Christmas Cracker Jokes

Here is our seasonal medley of Christmas cracker jokes. Some of them are traditional favourites. And some of them are home groan...

Q. What's the best way to steal treacle?

A. Syruptitiously

Q. What do shepherds put on their walls?

A. Flock wallpaper

Q: What is the most common owl in Britain?

A: The "teet"

Q. What's the most common owl in America?

A. The superb

Q. Why did the crow join the fitness class?

A. To improve his caw strength.

Q. What's E.T. short for?

A. Because he's got little legs!

Q. Which Californian city gave Father Christmas an alternative name?

A. Santa Moniker

Q. How much does a cockney pay for shampoo?

A. Pantene

Q. Where is the best place in the world to sketch Dracula?

A. Pencilvania

Q. What's the difference between a large toilet roll & a small one?

A. On the whole, no difference

Q. What do you call social media for religious people?

A. FaithTime

Q. What's not on Andrew's cake this Christmas?

A. Royal icing

Q. What royals is Andrew having for Christmas lunch?

A. Jersey royals

Q. What's on the Louvre Christmas card this year?

A. A robin

With contributions from deskpilot, granger, hokeyloki, jeremynh, and modelmaker.

Roast Liz for Christmas

M&S is looking to repeat the success of its Colin The Caterpillar cake - the one that vanquished Aldi's inferior copycat Cuthbert cake in the courts.

The M&S super premium 'You're So Worth It' Christmas dinner range now includes Liz the Lettuce. Liz is prepared according to a Nigella recipe and is supplied ready for roasting. Just drizzle with truffle oil and whack her in the oven. It's the perfect accompaniment to the M&S Kwasi the Turkey, which has just the one wing, on the right.

A spokes-elf said, 'Everyone will love roasting Liz this Christmas. We know the price is a disgrace, but It's what she would have wanted.'

Image credit: perchance.org

Trump says White House Christmas tree visible from space

Half the lights on the White House Christmas tree are not working due to federal cutbacks affecting electricity supply. But President Trump still insists the tree is visible from outer space.

'We have a tree,' he told reporters, 'And it is a very fine tree, I’m sure you’ll agree. It’s maybe 3,000-feet tall. In fact, I think it’s the tallest tree that has ever been seen, and you know it’s a beautiful thing this tree, it’s really a beautiful thing.'

Staff at the National Parks Service have said the tree is actually a more modest three metres tall, though this hasn’t prevented the familiar balancing issues. Trump’s aides have had to use bricks – easily available thanks to the work going on next door – to raise first one side, then the other. Trump allegedly observed: 'If that doesn't work, we can always get a couple of migrants from Mexico to lie down at the base until it’s level. Or sleepy Joe, he could do with the rest.'

Further federal cuts introduced by Trump have affected the holiday period itself. The traditional "12days of Christmas" has now been slashed to six, and Christmas Day itself is being declared an ordinary working day, although the president will be spending it at his home in Mar-a-Lago in Florida.

However, some things remain the same. The White House has confirmed the president will once again be playing Secret Santa with President Putin of Russia; the Chinese leader Xi Jinping; the Hungarian leader Viktor Orban; Kim Jong Un of North Korea; and the leader of Saudi Arabia, King Salman bin Abdulaziz Al Saud.

There is an agreed one million-dollar limit for presents and all gifts will be delivered by drone. The drones that were recently sent by Putin to Belgium were a dummy run, though observers say they did much to make the country more interesting.

Meanwhile, the lights that weren’t working have been replaced by candles. Not a good move…

Photo by simon on Unsplash