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Trump's Christmas message


Greetings, earthlings. It's a great Christmas with prices lower than they were in 1925. If you got two dolls for Christmas that's plenty. No-one needs more than two dolls, except Sleepy Joe Biden and Crooked Hilary, Randy Andy and Dozy Don.


I have brought peace on earth. I've ended wars in Gaza, Crimea, Greenland, Venezuela, Brazil, LA, Chicago and Kyiv. I'm taking Greenland because we own it, just like Vlad owns the Donbas. Donbas was named after me, you know. I've named other stuff after myself, as well, to commemorate my achievements - Trump Wall, TrumpForce One, the Trump Takeaway chain, Mount TrumpMore, and Trump Steak.


Truth Social has more than fifty billion subscribers, lots more than X which only has one hundred. X is Latin for one hundred, by the way.


I've sacked or demoted thousands of Sleepy Joe's sleeper agents - judges, diplomats, air traffic controllers and military folk. I've released the Epstein files which prove my innocence . I don't know what's under those black rectangles either. I'm cleaning the stables. I'm like Shake'n'Vac - I put the freshness back.


I've deported thousands of unAmerican so-called Americans. I've created billions of jobs, mostly in the legal profession. I've issued thousands of proclamations, sorry, Executive Orders. All to give you the best Christmas ever.


My health remains untarnished, apart from one hand. My mentalness remains tippy-tip-tip-top, and my doctors say I have the heart of a 79-year old. I'm good to go. But I'm not going to go, I'm going to stay. Donald 2028. Huzzah! Merry Christmas, losers.



Brutally honest round robin letter shocks recipients


It’s Christmas. And Christmas means round-robin letters from distant relatives that you only hear from once a year. Usually, it’s the correspondence equivalent of watching paint dry – first words, first babies, first offence, first bus driver, first conviction. You know. There’s always a germ of truth, but you always wonder how much.


Anyway, the Slagg family, from Sunderland, have written (or possibly dictated) a round-robin letter that has gone viral because of its brutal honesty. We can’t publish the letter in full, for legal reasons, but here are some extracts:

...Colin got the school prize for the most detentions, and Charlene’s OnlyFans site is going well.  Charlene has nine followers on line, and two followers whenever she leaves the house. Barry’s wrist is still bad after he got his hand stuck in a 2p falls machine at Scarborough. Troy is making home brew gin out of hand sanitiser. There’s loads of it around since Covid, so Troy is cleaning up.  Haha!…


...the cat caught the neighbour's pet rabbit again. That’s the third time since Easter.  And Boris the dog has fathered at least nine litters this year (that we know about).  The neighbours are furious. Well, the ones with dogs are...


...Jezza got cautioned for doing 70mph on the motorway with a grand piano strapped to the roof of his Astra.  Jason’s got himself arrested again, so he can spend Christmas on remand, same as usual.  And we got a fixed penalty notice over the mattresses in the front garden.  We’re hoping the planning people don’t find out about the sun deck we’ve built round the back from old pallets.  We are burning some of the pallets to keep warm, since the electricity company wired our meter back up and put it in a secure box...


...there was no cruise for us this year, but coincidentally Des was cautioned for cruising.  He was upset after finding out that his favourite dogging site is being turned into a Costa drive-thru.  We holidayed in Skegness instead, on that Sun newspaper £9-a-night offer.  Skegness in February wasn’t as warm as we’d hoped…


…still no news about our application to be on Only Connect...



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