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A father of two was described as the most shocked individual present during his household’s Christmas celebrations, after watching his children open a series of gifts he had never seen before.


Witnesses say Tom Perry, 42, was visibly surprised as each gift was unwrapped, audibly gasping at items that appeared to align uncannily well with his children’s personalities, interests, and correct clothing sizes.


“Wow,” Perry exclaimed, after one present was opened. “I never knew they liked Lego.”


As a new telescope was unwrapped a few moments later, he gasped, “They’re into astronomy? Since when?”

According to family insiders, Perry had no involvement in selecting, purchasing, or wrapping the gifts for his two sons aged 11 and 13, a process that had been quietly completed by his wife over several months while he remained apparently oblivious to the approach of the festive season.


Witnesses say Perry seemed impressed by the mysterious benefactor behind the gifts, describing them as ‘really thoughtful, if a bit expensive’, and ‘definitely not something I would have thought of’.


“He kept saying things like, ‘I didn’t realise Lego made Harry Potter themed kits’,” said 13-year-old Josh Perry. “Didn’t he already know what we were getting?”


At one point, Perry reportedly stared at a pile of empty wrapping paper for several seconds, expressing disbelief that the children had received everything on their lists, plus several items they hadn’t known they wanted yet.

As the final gift was opened, the bemused Dad leaned back, overcome with pride and confusion. “These kids are incredibly lucky,” he said. “Whoever did Christmas this year really understood the assignment.”


When asked who that someone might be, he paused for several seconds before whispering, “Santa?”


Perry’s wife was unavailable for comment, as she was busy in the kitchen producing a 3 course Christmas lunch for 12 people, as if by magic.




Has the conversation gone stilton at the Christmas dinner table? As dry as that turkey? Just go round trying to say these words out loud while you all get totally smashed. It's as contagious as herpes and more addictive than gambling-cocaine.


moyder


- If you're thinking Max from Hart to Hart, then you're too old for this shit. Nope. Not a New Yok accent. Not Bwoston ether either. It's north Nuw Jorsey.


poyfect


- Is it Rosemary, the telephone operator? From Hong Kong Phooey?


foyst


- Taxi. Any of 'em, really.


cwoffee


- Janice from Friends. Finally, a character we've actually heard of. And for aficionados, Janice Litman-Goralnik (née Hosenstein). Thank you, Wikipedia.


Or the secretary from Ghostbusters who shouts out 'We got one!'


poyjoymers


- Trickier. Only give this one a whirl if you're feeling you're better at this than anyone who ever lived. And you want to sound hard in a reindeer onesie.


strip soych


- Any charming ICE agent you happen to encounter.


Happy Christmas. To your mother.




Greetings, earthlings. It's a great Christmas with prices lower than they were in 1925. If you got two dolls for Christmas that's plenty. No-one needs more than two dolls, except Sleepy Joe Biden and Crooked Hilary, Randy Andy and Dozy Don.


I have brought peace on earth. I've ended wars in Gaza, Crimea, Greenland, Venezuela, Brazil, LA, Chicago and Kyiv. I'm taking Greenland because we own it, just like Vlad owns the Donbas. Donbas was named after me, you know. I've named other stuff after myself, as well, to commemorate my achievements - Trump Wall, TrumpForce One, the Trump Takeaway chain, Mount TrumpMore, and Trump Steak.


Truth Social has more than fifty billion subscribers, lots more than X which only has one hundred. X is Latin for one hundred, by the way.


I've sacked or demoted thousands of Sleepy Joe's sleeper agents - judges, diplomats, air traffic controllers and military folk. I've released the Epstein files which prove my innocence . I don't know what's under those black rectangles either. I'm cleaning the stables. I'm like Shake'n'Vac - I put the freshness back.


I've deported thousands of unAmerican so-called Americans. I've created billions of jobs, mostly in the legal profession. I've issued thousands of proclamations, sorry, Executive Orders. All to give you the best Christmas ever.


My health remains untarnished, apart from one hand. My mentalness remains tippy-tip-tip-top, and my doctors say I have the heart of a 79-year old. I'm good to go. But I'm not going to go, I'm going to stay. Donald 2028. Huzzah! Merry Christmas, losers.



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