Choir Wars: The Chorus Strikes Back

A bitter row has broken out, throwing the genteel world of choral singing into a spin, with one disgruntled chorister, Tracey Armitage, claiming her choir's conductor 'does nothing of any importance during a performance. ' Further suggesting, 'conductors in general are just people dicking about in front of the singers waving their hands or a short stick around vaguely in time with the music.'

'Take our choir,' she says. 'We do the work but Ted's the one getting all the plaudits. None of us look anywhere near him, and even if we did, what purpose would it serve? It's not as if he can tune us up if the baritones are pitching a quarter-tone flat.'

However, the choir's conductor, Ted Armitage shakes his head sadly. 'I'm afraid Tracey wasn't too best pleased when I broke the news Janette Ryan will sing solo at our performance when Songs of Praise visits St. Stephen's in April,' explains the sprightly octogenarian as he polishes his baton (not a euphemism).

Meanwhile, the nation's Choirmaster General, Gareth Malone, has entered the fray. 'Conductors add an invaluable dynamic to any performance. OK, so we don't really do a lot, but the public expect a choir to have someone pratting about at the front during the performance then looking smug whilst taking the credit and applause.'

Photo by Colin Michael on Unsplash

Woman who married herself poses dilemma for church and parliament

A 42-year old spinster who decided to marry herself rather than spend the rest of her life on the shelf, has posed an interesting dilemma for churches and parliament, as now that her story has reached the news and the public now know she’s not a spendthrift, but someone who amassed a few bob, she has received plenty of marriage offers.

Because British law forbids polygamy, none of these offers can result in marriage, unless parliament decides whether single people are allowed to divorce themselves.

The church meanwhile, will need to consider whether it can morally marry a woman who broke the marriage vow she made to herself.

Newsbiscuit understands from the woman’s friend, that prior to marrying herself, the intention had been to marry a dildo she won at bingo, but on discovering it had been modelled from the penis of a now trans man, didn’t think she could suffer the trauma of being let down, if it transpired the dildo had inherited the trans gene.

image from pixabay

Church of England to replace Communion with human sacrifice

A Church of England spokesman has been defending its controversial decision to sacrifice at least one person at every service throughout England in order to boost attendance. "We're seriously competing with reality TV for people's attention, while at the same time tackling the problem of over-population", he explains. "It's a win-win situation".

After studying various Aztec rituals for best practices, the latest synod has settled on cutting out a selected parishioner's beating heart and holding it up to the congregation. "It's designed to appeal to the 15 to 20 age cohort that plays violent video games", one deacon explains. "Also gluten-allergic churchgoers will welcome the phasing out of Communion wafers", he adds. Every vicar has been issued with a steak knife and a booklet outlining the health and safety regulations.

Meanwhile, 67-year-old Mrs Joan Entwhistle of Eastbourne is not happy. "When my husband didn't come home from church on Sunday, I assumed he'd gone off to the pub with his friends", she says. "Little did I know the vicar was waving his heart at a bloodthirsty crowd of retired postmistresses. I'll be writing to the Archbishop of Canterbury about this".

www.newsbiscuit.com

image from pixabay