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‘My Dinner with Andre’ plays to packed 4DX cinema


The 1981 classic has been re-mastered for a contemporary audience, with a full on sensory experience of a riveting two-hour conversation at Café des Artistes. Complete with violent chair tilts every time Wally quietly explains the nature of modest humanism and seat rumbles whenever he sips his wine.


Said one exhausted viewer, ‘It was intense. What started as gentle discussion about experimental theatre, soon erupted with strobe lights and water sprays during moments of existential clarity. And when Andre reflected on spiritual awakening in the Polish forest—the 4DX machine blasted pine scent directly into my sinuses. Although the mysterious incense smelt suspiciously like a Glade plug in.


‘I was continuously hit with jets of garlic butter. Even when there was a quiet lull in conversation — the 4DX chair decided this was the perfect moment for a seismic earthquake simulation. I particularly like the heightened realism at the end of the meal—when I was stiffed with the bill.’



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Viewing the Odyssey is a journey that’s more grim than Burnham's North


It was with great trepidation I set foot in the cinema.


The journey leading to this moment had be difficult. Hoards of tourists were occupying the kingdom of Leicester Square, drinking and eating all the available food and cola, each laying claim to their only object of desire, a ticket to Odyssey.


They lay about, cursing and shouting, minor scuffles broke near the ticket office as each applied to be a suitor to the prize, but each in turn was rejected. They had all failed to meet the conditions of ticket purchase on-line, where they had to complete a task. They were required to pass a debit card through many hoops to its correct purchase destination, avoiding the touts, fraudulent sites and scammers. All had tried to do battle with the one eyed monster and its keyboard and all had failed.


Having braved the Sahara heat of Leicester Square, avoided the whirlpool of pickpockets, the movement had arrived. I approached the guardian of the QR code and proffered my password, it was accepted, my journey had begun.


I ventured into the darkest and twistyest of narrow passages, reminiscent of a pharaohs tomb, but without the light. The passage, of time, gobbled the footsteps like a hungry soldier fed by Circe, but eventually the solid bolts of the door were drawn and a vast cavernous space laid before me, well I assume it was because that also was pitch black and cold as Hades.


I groped my way along the snow set dark ramp where the row identifiers arose from the floor like long dead soldiers and guided me to my allotted place. There I found that others who had supplied for the long journey with buckets of corn and gallons of cola, it was as though they had prepared for a ten year banquet.


The film itself? I left with an abiding impression that I had witnessed a new wonder of the ancient world, the quality of the ancient Greek dentistry. The teeth glistened like marble tombstones, even the oldest and grzzleyest of actors had perfect teeth, and they were all in place; it was incredible. No wine stains and not a crooked molar amongst any of them. I truly had witnessed a wonder.


I left the cinema to reflect that clearly the Greeks knew a lot more about dentistry than the effects department knew about authenticity. And, while some may quibble about accuracy and American accents, I will forever remain in awe of ancient Greek dentistry



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Avatar is a 4-hour opportunity to get to third-base

The vast numbers of people going to a movie that no one asked for has been attributed to horny couples looking for discreet canoodling. Said one flustered teenager: "Normally I only get a couple of kisses an hour, but this film is so long I managed to impregnate the whole front row."


A billion-pound franchise with no discernible qualities, Avatar has been responsible for more unwelcome pregnancies than Boris Johnson at Guide Camp. Outside, as one moviegoer put on her bra, we asked her what she thought the film was about. "Smurfs in FernGully? The Blue Man Group meets Pocahontas? Whatever it was, it had loads of sex in it."


Asked if he wanted a fourth Avatar movie, one man said: "No. As much as I love the films, I just can't afford the child maintenance payments."



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