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Zelensky welcomes minute's silence, but really wants claps



President Zelensky has shown deep appreciation that the UK has observed a minute's silence to mark the sacrifices made by Ukraine, but notes that not only did the British public observe multiple minute's silences during the pandemic, mainly due to jaws dragging on the pavement, but within three months they had stood on doorsteps every Thursday clapping.


'Tanks, missiles and training are all very well, but what our troops really need are millions of British people clapping on the doorsteps every Thursday. I spoke with Boris and he reckoned it kept the virus at bay - or did he say the pay award, he was speaking very fast. Anyway, he said a good old dose of British clap was what the Ukrainian army really needs, and he insists he's ready to lead the way.'



‘Government could be forced to withhold hand-claps unless nurses get back to work’ warns Barclay



Health Secretary Steven Barclay has warned NHS workers they risk losing any future accolades and hand-claps of appreciation unless they end their pay dispute and get back to work immediately.


NHS staff should concentrate on saving people's lives and not waste their time standing on picket lines in the hope that government ministers might be listening to their unfair demands.


Barclay also warned front line staff that the Government was considering taking back all the hand-claps and saucepan bangs they received during lockdown.


‘Tens of thousands of ambulance workers, call handlers, paramedics, nurses and doctors could all be stripped of those hard won hand-claps,’ sneered a Department of Health spokes-Scrooge. ‘All that banging on saucepans, Boris standing on the doorstep of Number 10 beating his wok, showering workers with thanks for saving the nation …it will all have been for nothing. And what do they hope to gain from strike action? A few extra pounds in their pay-packets? Shorter working hours? Investment in the NHS? Reduced waiting times at A&E? Are they really prepared to lose all those wonderful hand-claps just for that? Christmas might well be the time for giving, but nurses will get nothing from us'.

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