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F*ck Off Gabriel! Cliff Richard song divides fans and critics



The race for this year’s Christmas number one has taken a surprising turn as veteran rock n’ roller Cliff Richard released F*ck off Gabriel, a catchy yuletide celebration of sacrilegious expletives. His long-awaited single has entered the charts at No3. Cliff has 327 Christmas number ones under his belt and is the only rock n’ roller to have a hit in every decade since the English civil war of 1642.


In a radical departure from sentimental schmaltz, Cliff’s latest offering has elements of old-school punk and new wave Ska, leaving some fans bitterly disappointed. Hundreds have resigned from his fan club in protest, although a spokesman for Cliff said they could all fuck off and die as far as he was concerned.


Among the controversial lyrics is a repeating chorus that could see him banned from Radio 2.


‘Pull a sexy cracker and wear a party hat,

Face-down in your dinner plate and vomit on the cat.

Free Palestine, yeah, yeah, yeah! (x4)’


Top of the Pops have agreed to let him perform if he promises to stop spitting at people. Loyal fans have their fingers crossed for another smash hit.


The only time he hasn’t had a number one was in 2014 when he was kept from the top spot by The Police.



image from pixabay


First published 19 Dec 2022


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Cliff says he might be dead this time next year

In an astounding revelation, singer Sir Cliff Richard has revealed he's feeling his age (84) and might be dead this time next year.  Like many 84-year-olds.  Also like, admittedly fewer, 64-year-olds with the statistical odds increasing year-on-year until you reach 84.  Then, those that wake up alive on their 85th birthday have to admit there is a reduced probability they will survive to age 86.  But it is true Sir Cliff may wake up dead one day in the next twelve months.


Growing older is admittedly shit, but there are worse things in life.  Like a Cliff Richard concert or, God forbid, a new album.



Picture credit: Wix AI

BBC announces first ever AI concert at the Proms

The BBC has confirmed this year's Proms will reach another milestone, when on July 30th the music will be provided by AI, two Apple Mac computers and Sir Cliff Richard.


Festival Director, David St. Hubbins* commented: 'In our modern AI digital age this was really an inevitable development. On the night the programme will consist of two thirty-minute pieces improvised by Artificial Intelligence. We're all very excited.


'Quite literally we might hear anything. So you see, once again The Proms shows it is not the stuffy preserve of the luvvies and la-di-da upper classes. Au contraire, it's at the very cutting-edge of artistic creativity.'


When one puzzled reporter asked what role Sir Cliff Richard was to play in the event, St Hubbins said, 'Oh, well,of course, he's our fallback performer in case there's a power cut.'



Picture credit: Wix AI

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