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Cliff says he might be dead this time next year

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In an astounding revelation, singer Sir Cliff Richard has revealed he's feeling his age (84) and might be dead this time next year.  Like many 84-year-olds.  Also like, admittedly fewer, 64-year-olds with the statistical odds increasing year-on-year until you reach 84.  Then, those that wake up alive on their 85th birthday have to admit there is a reduced probability they will survive to age 86.  But it is true Sir Cliff may wake up dead one day in the next twelve months.


Growing older is admittedly shit, but there are worse things in life.  Like a Cliff Richard concert or, God forbid, a new album.



Picture credit: Wix AI

BBC announces first ever AI concert at the Proms

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The BBC has confirmed this year's Proms will reach another milestone, when on July 30th the music will be provided by AI, two Apple Mac computers and Sir Cliff Richard.


Festival Director, David St. Hubbins* commented: 'In our modern AI digital age this was really an inevitable development. On the night the programme will consist of two thirty-minute pieces improvised by Artificial Intelligence. We're all very excited.


'Quite literally we might hear anything. So you see, once again The Proms shows it is not the stuffy preserve of the luvvies and la-di-da upper classes. Au contraire, it's at the very cutting-edge of artistic creativity.'


When one puzzled reporter asked what role Sir Cliff Richard was to play in the event, St Hubbins said, 'Oh, well,of course, he's our fallback performer in case there's a power cut.'



Picture credit: Wix AI

'Primary source of fog still Bonnie Tyler pop video from the 1980s' confirms Met Office


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Leading meteorologists based in the UK have traced the source of all global fog to a pop video made in 1985. 'Total Eclipse of the Heart is the reason why we have mists rolling in from the sea and why it's always a pea souper on bonfire night,' explained bright-eyed weather guru Tomasz Schafernaker. The only thing we still can't explain is what's going on with those illuminated peepers at the end of the video.


'Many people wrongly believe it was due to an appearance on Top of the Pops by Cliff Richard, when Cliff gradually became shrouded until we couldn't see him anymore. But that was a one-off event in a BBC controlled environment and played out precisely as intended. So it does not explain those weird pictures of San Francisco Bay where all you can see are the top bits of the Golden Gate Bridge.


'That is caused by the fog created for the Take My Breath Away video in 1986, which was so bad that it affected Midge Ure when he visited Vienna 6 years earlier. You might be interested to learn that this is not the only case of Berlin invading the Austro-Hungarian region.


'If the fog sometimes seems a bit yellow to you, then it's not pollution. That's just David Dickinson's fake tan escaping into the atmosphere in a perfectly natural way.'



First published 5 May 2022



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