Ducks demand end to 'Great Weather for Ducks' comments after Storm Boelo blows Gerald into a hedge

LOCAL POND - A mallard named Gerald has launched a furious public appeal to stop talking about the current cold, blustery conditions as 'Great Weather for Ducks' after the effects of Storm Boelo. Bystanders have described the accident as a strong gust of wind blew Gerald across the pond and into a hedge near the bus-shelter.

Gerald, speaking from a sheltered clump of weeds, said that while ducks famously do like 'a little bit of rain' - he drew a clear distinction between a calming drizzle and the gust-assisted downpour that has ruined the local duckweed.

'Every idiot with a Labrador is coming up to the pond and saying 'Bet you're loving this'.' said Gerald. 'No, Kevin, I am not bloody loving this. I am clinging to a bench leg. My feathers will take weeks to preen. I am not enjoying getting fired through the air like a wet shuttlecock!'

Local Councillor, Denise Harrow, has made a full consultation with her constituents both in and around the pond and has raised serious concerns about the foul language being used to the fowl. 'My constituents do enjoy the rain - this is true - however they do not enjoy torrential downpours, horizontal winds or local dog-walkers making weather comments while wearing rain-proofs. We are asking anyone in the area to pause all usage of Avian-based phrases until such time that Storm Boelo has passed.'

The council have provided a list of alternate phrases to use in the area of the pond on their website. These consist of 'miserable out', 'I hope the ducks are coping' and the French 'raining rope'.

Gerald, himself, has not ruled out 'raining cats and dogs' but thinks that it's not worth adding to the bill.

Image: duck-4941842_1280.jpg (1280×853)

TUI or not TUI? That is the question

People are accusing travel group TUI of false advertising. Holiday makers who booked a river cruise on the Danube ended up on a replacement bus trip because the cruise ships couldn't navigate the Danube because the water level was too low. Many irritated customers are noticing that, on their return, TUI is still advertising the non-existent river cruise holiday.

When we put the question to TUI we were told that customers will not get refunds and that TUI is not guilty of false advertising.

‘The Danube river cruise holiday is a part of TUI’s new “It’s Not Our Fault” package,’ explained TUI spokesman James Wabbas. ‘We advertise these experiences and have every intention of delivering on them. But TUI can not be held legally responsible for acts of nature. In other words, it’s not our fault. TUI did not drain the water from the Danube, so we can’t be held responsible for the changes to the Danube river cruise holiday. 

‘In the same way, we can’t be held responsible for the adjustment to our Sahara cruise. You see, around 8,000 years ago, the Sahara was indeed under water, and we offer people the chance to cruise around it. Now obviously it isn’t like that any more, but that’s not our fault. We do provide the replacement camel service, which is better because they are the ships of the desert, so, technically, our customers are still getting their cruise. The point is, if these people are unhappy, then they should consider suing Nature.

’Other experiences available as part of TUI’s “It’s Not Our Fault” package holidays include the chance to see the Pyramids being built, watch the English navy fend off the Spanish Armada, or even ask a Druid what Stonehenge is really all about.

Just keep in mind that TUI can not and will not be held responsible if you are hundreds or even thousands of years too late for the advertised events.

Image credit: Wix AI

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2027 declared “hottest year on record”

There was egg on the faces of Met Office officials today when it accidentally announced that next year “was” the hottest on record.

“Obviously this was a mistake,” said Sir Bufton Tufton, Head of Teabags at the agency. “The system’s set up to release this announcement every year, but not until the end of the year. Even saying it on the first day of September is a bit premature, let alone for the following year.”

“Then again,” chimed in Sir Tufton Bufton, Head of Cabbage, “It’s not as if there’s any doubt we’re going to say it. No one’s exactly on tenterhooks. So we may as well just say it, then get a few rounds of golf in before the weather changes. The actual weather I mean, not the version we publish.”

Image: photo-graphe - Pixabay

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