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Rising temperatures are 'likely to be beneficial' for Britain as more people die of cold than heat in this country, a Tory peer called Lord Chill has said.


Speaking during a debate on the level of Government preparation for the impacts that climate change will have on health, the economy, food security and the environment, the Tory peer said: 'We have all too little debate on climate change. After all nobody has ever explained it to me. At least, not so I understand it.'


'Will I have to change my name? Will it be a hot girl summer?'


'It’s all the more important that we have it now since critics who don't know what this policy is for, or have gotten the wrong end of the stick, find it increasingly difficult to get a hearing in the media.'


Lord Chill said: 'Digging deeper, what are those consequences of the hotter, warmer summers and warmer, wetter winters? I'm not very technical, but I have never heard a proper explanation of this problem. For example, how can financial predictions be so far off but climate is supposed to be predictable, as if its science or something, but what even is that anyway? I haven't looked into because I find that sort of thing hard. Nobody has ever been able to give me a simple explanation without boring me by talking for more than 30 seconds'


'Oooh, a shiny button!'




First published 26 Jul 2023


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Scientists working for the toy giant Hasbro have warned that Furbys could return to the wild, devastating crops and worrying livestock. Global warming means the Furby can spread throughout Northern Europe, with only Cabbage Patch Dolls as their natural predator. Their brightly covered fur was once valued by elite fashion houses, but the Furby is now seen as an intrusive pest - like James Corden.


The bastard lovechild of a hobbit and a squirrel, the Furby proved a popular pet for cocaine addled children, during the 1980s. However, they were later culled after spreading chlamydia among koala bears and members of the Royal Family.


Not to be mistaken for a Mogwai or Tribble, the Furby is purely carnivorous and has been known to devour the face of its owner, in less than five seconds. Hasbro warned: 'Should you purchase a Furby, do not approach it or cover yourself in BBQ sauce. Notify the army, who will send a trained sniper. Not to kill the Furby, but to shoot you in the head. Anyone who wants one, needs putting down.'


Firsclimat published 24 June 2023




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Areas around the UK that have been hit by exceptional drought conditions are to receive an extra Bank Holiday in an effort to boost rainfall and top up reservoirs and aquifers, confirmed the Environment Agency.


Some parts of Wales and the South of England have recorded the lowest average rainfall since records began, and only ever get torrential rain on days that fall within a Bank Holiday weekend.


An EA representative said, 'The UK has had the driest winter and spring on record, and this is directly linked to an absence of Bank Holidays. Providing hard-working families with an extra Bank Holidays is the only way to guarantee the UK will get a thorough soaking. That and the school summer holidays, of course.'


'We think rain clouds and high winds can somehow detect the onset of a Bank Holiday weekend and have evolved to store millions of litres of rainwater in specially created cloud formations, ready to hammer down as soon as traffic builds up on the M5 south of Gloucester.


A spokesperson for the Canal and Rivers Trust said that many UK waterways were in danger of running dry, but the Bank Holiday weekend had arrived just in time to spare them.


'If it wasn’t for Bank Holiday weekends, UK rivers and canals would be in serious trouble of running dry, fish stocks would plummet and sales of jigsaws and board games would plummet. But, as Benjamin Franklin famously said, only three things in life are certain…death, taxes and torrential f**king rain on a British Bank Holiday weekend.


'Adding a few extra Bank Holiday weekends to the calendar is the most obvious way of topping up our reservoirs and waterways. It should have been done years ago.'



Picture credit: Wix AI

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