top of page
Search

Oil producing nations pledge to use ‘green’ methods for murders




We deeply regret the totally unsustainable way we used to cut up and dispose of the bodies of thse we have secretly murdered,’ said Usman X, a prominent figure in the middle east murder world.


‘The electric bones saw we used to dismember them were powered by mains electricity generated by fossil fuels. This must never happen again and we promise our embassies and government buildings round the world will all, by 2035, have solar power so  we can generate electricity for tasers, genital tortures and other methods of secret coercion and punishment, as well as for deniable murders.’


Usman X continued:; ‘Meanwhile, we still lead the world in sustainability where judicial punishment is involved. Head for head, (or more likely hand for hand)  severing, stoning,  beheading and whipping use far less energy than imprisonment, with its electric lights and heating, while hanging uses the benign and natural force of gravity to do its work, unlike the wasteful electric chair.’


Mr X said his organization was proud to do its bit to lessen the global impact of fossil fuels and he looked forward to a time when the former oil-producing nations shun oil completely and depend entirely on the income from novelty swimming pools and weird skyscrapers.




First published 14 Dec 2023


If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?















Britain "could export its ice to North Pole and save glaciers"




Millions of people around the country have pledged to give up cooling their beverages for the next month and send the ice cubes to the the polar regions to replace the melting glaciers. Using an image of a polar bear asking, "Is your iced tea really necessary?", climate activists hope to name and shame people who continue to cool their drinks. The first ship of ice is expected to leave Southampton for the Arctic next week.



Drinkers were horrified to learn that a piece of ice the size of Albania was being lost every day to climate change. "It's exciting to think you're doing something to save the planet", says David King, 31, as he sips his lukewarm gin and tonic in a London bar. "It's the least I can do". He hopes the Inuits can use his cubes to build igloos.



However, Tory backbencher Sir Evan Moore urges caution: "This climate change nonsense has gone too far. Send off enough ice cubes and you've got an iceberg. Remember the Titanic".




First published 14 Nov2022


If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?















UK Gammon Index rising faster than Global Warming


UK researchers into rage hate, commonly referred to as the UK Gammon Index (UKGI), have reported it is rising faster than Global Warming, which in itself is a common driver of the UKGI whenever mentioned. 'We might be in a spiralling feedback loop,' said one researcher, adding, 'no, I don't know what that means either'.


With Poppy Rage currently overtaking the traditional rage about fireworks being set off early for Bonfire night, with the concurrent rage over whether it should be named Guy Fawkes' night adding to the mix. Christmas Rage, a relatively recent rage made worse by reference to 'the Holiday Season' is bending the UKGI gauge to breaking point.


'Monitoring UK rage just makes me mad,' said the researcher, turning bright red, banging his fist on the table and filling in an application to join Reform in crayon. Which, of course, he ate in a fit of rage.


Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

bottom of page