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The Government is to issue rain guidance to primary schools as the country’s longest spell of hot weather since the Great Sweat of 1858 continues.


The information, both online and in print, will counter what the Government calls the ‘high levels of weather illiteracy’, particularly around rain. 'There are children in London and the southeast who have never experienced rain,' said the Government’s climate change officer Dr Ann Orak. 'They’re eight or nine and essentially don’t know what it is. They’ve never seen it and don’t know how to treat it.'


Jessica, who lives in Greenwich with her two primary school-age children, told the BBC: 'It’s a real issue. It’s heart-breaking when your youngest child says "Mummy, will the rain take me away when I’m asleep?" But many children around here have never seen rain and the stories they hear about it play into their primeval fears.'


The Government advice includes not staring at the rain, not making sudden gestures in its presence and the use of trees – those that are still alive – for shelter. Older staff at the Meteorological Office also recommend putting household plants outside, as if making an offering to the rain gods. 'I remember my gran doing this,' said one staffer, wiping away a tear.


Photo by Alex Dukhanov on Unsplash



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British holidaymakers in Corfu are the latest to have a less than idyllic experience as wildfires rip through the Islanders’ houses, farms and olive groves. Some Brits were inconsolable having lost three days of a fortnight’s vacation while locals lost their livelihoods.


The fires on Corfu follow those on the neighbouring island of Rhodes that is only about 700 miles away. There, some British people were forced to move to temporary accommodation, described as ‘a living nightmare’ by Terry Hobbs of Basingstoke.


‘These fires that have devastated mountain villages and destroyed local communities have ruined my family holiday’ he said. ‘Here I can’t even get a pint of Carling and a Full English first thing in the morning’.



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First published 25 Jul 2023


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Dear Valued Customer,


The country is currently experiencing a prolonged period of hot, dry weather. As you may have noticed, there is currently less water falling from the sky than usual, and water supplies are getting low. This has come as a complete surprise to us, despite operating a water company.


While some cynics have suggested that we might have prepared for this by investing over the last few decades in repairing our ageing network of leaking pipes, we believe it would be unfair to burden our shareholders with such unnecessary hardship.


Instead, we are asking you to make a few small sacrifices.


To help us through this difficult time, we are asking you to use less water. Please refrain from drinking water, watering your garden, washing your car, filling paddling pools (or allowing children to experience happiness in any liquid form), taking baths, enjoying showers that last long enough to question your life choices, or generally behaving as though water belongs to the people paying for it.


Every little helps. Every litre you save is a litre that can leak gently into the ground through our ancient Victorian pipework, preserving a tradition we hold dear. Likewise, reducing your water usage helps ensure we have sufficient capacity to continue our occasional programme of releasing untreated sewage into rivers and coastal waters whenever our infrastructure becomes overwhelmed by such unexpected events as... rain.


Please remember, by taking a two-minute shower instead of a ten-minute one, you will be helping us preserve enough water to continue losing approximately a quarter of it before it reaches your home, and bring us one step closer to another reassuringly strong annual financial performance.


Some customers have asked why, after reporting billions in profits, we did not invest more heavily in modernising the network. Unfortunately, those funds had already been earmarked for important infrastructure projects, such as executive bonuses and shareholder dividends. However, we welcome your comments, and we have carefully filed them in the same place as our long-term infrastructure investment plans.


You may also have concerns about our occasional release of untreated sewage into rivers and coastal waters. We'd like to stress that these are not sewage spills - they are surprise biodiversity initiatives. Please don't think of them as pollution - think of them as bringing the countryside to the seaside.


Together, we can weather this crisis - provided you do all the work.


Finally, we'd like to thank you for paying some of the highest water bills in Europe. Without your continued support, we simply could not continue to operate exactly as we have been.


Thank you for your cooperation.


Yours faithfully,


Your Local Water Company


P.S. We are delighted to announce that, thanks to your continued restraint, we remain committed to delivering excellent value to those who matter most to us. No, not you.


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