2027 declared “hottest year on record”

There was egg on the faces of Met Office officials today when it accidentally announced that next year “was” the hottest on record.

“Obviously this was a mistake,” said Sir Bufton Tufton, Head of Teabags at the agency. “The system’s set up to release this announcement every year, but not until the end of the year. Even saying it on the first day of September is a bit premature, let alone for the following year.”

“Then again,” chimed in Sir Tufton Bufton, Head of Cabbage, “It’s not as if there’s any doubt we’re going to say it. No one’s exactly on tenterhooks. So we may as well just say it, then get a few rounds of golf in before the weather changes. The actual weather I mean, not the version we publish.”

Image: photo-graphe - Pixabay

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El Niño finally caught

The notorious El Niño, thought to be responsible for death and destruction all over the world, has finally been apprehended, law enforcement officials confirmed today.

However, lawyers for the infamous weather system have protested it’s being unfairly blamed for a whole slew of unrelated events that couldn’t possibly have a single cause.

”I mean, come on - flooding here, drought there, a hurricane somewhere else… how can these all be the fault of my client, when witnesses confirm it was in the eastern Pacific the whole time?

”Quite frankly - and it gives me no pleasure to say this - but you have to wonder whether these accusations would even be made if my client went by the English name “little boy” instead of its Spanish equivalent.”

However, this had the unfortunate side effect of reminding people that “little boy” was the codename of the Hiroshima bomb, inadvertently giving critics even more destruction they could blame on the hapless meteorological phenomenon.

Meanwhile politicians, ever on the lookout for a way to shift the blame for their own failures, were said to be looking seriously at the possibilities.

”It can take the rap for all the wildfires obviously, avoid awkward questions about forest management, brush clearance, maintenance of proper firebreaks etc… maybe also for the sewage in our rivers, since that’s caused by flooding… any chance we could also blame it for ordering PPE from incompetent idiots just because they’d given a fortune to the party?”

Image: File:Strong El Niño Continues (NESDIS 2015-11-12).png - Wikimedia Commons

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El Beaño to cause havoc in UK

The UK is facing an unprecedented weather event involving catapults, stink bombs and banana skins.

Climatologists made the announcement after a group of boys who call themselves the Bash Street Kids were discovered floating on driftwood in the Pacific Ocean, together with a selection of catapults, two boxes of stink bombs and a wild dog who answers to the name ‘Gnasher’

The discovery, by scientists working on climate change scenarios, confirms what some have long suspected: the UK is facing an aggressive El Beaño that will threaten coastlines and infrastructure and even reach central London.

The BBC’s Climate Change Editor, Justin Rowlatt, said: “The El Beaño developing over the Pacific Ocean is likely to be the strongest for more than a century and make 2027 another record-breaking year for heat. Teachers already report an increase in misbehaviour among pupils as young bodies try to cope with the wild variations in weather.”

Out on the driftwood the group’s unofficial leader Dennis the Menace, dressed in a red-and-black striped jumper, gives an interview with a passing Disney cruise ship. Snow White and the children wave. “Got any sweets Miss?” Dennis cries. “Coo it’s hot. Some lollies would be totally blam. And a bone for Gnasher if you’ve got one.”

But the interview is cut short by Gnasher’s barking. A dark line on the horizon has made the dog’s hair stand on end. “Yikes! It’s a tsunami!” Dennis screams. “We did it in Geography. Oh no! The children!!”

“I’m on it!” yells a boy on the wreckage. He has a quiff that swishes as he speeds away. It’s Billy Whizz! With Bolt-like speed, Billy charges to the horizon and uses his quiff – don’t ask how – to direct the wave away from the ship.

And that, children, is why you must always brush your hair before you have breakfast.

image by Grok

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