New York rebrands itself in the wake of the Big Smoke

In response to the smog enveloping the Big Apple this week, New York has moved quickly to reduce further harm and reputational damage by changing the names of things.

A spokesman for New York Tourism said 'All meat sold in New York City restaurants is now smoked. Instead of 'I'm walking here' we shout 'I'm wheezing here'. It’s important to be honest with visitors to our great city about how the smoke is affecting things. Also, we’ll be much less likely to get sued'.

New names for landmarks include:

• The Empire Haze Building

• Grime Square

• Sootlyn Bridge

• Statue of Obscurity

• Central Murk

• The Cough-a-fella Center

In a further controversial change, the eagle in the City Seal will be replaced by Smokey Bear.

Further comment on the Big Smoke came this week from lesser-known Republican Presidential candidate, Ray Gindik, 'People are blaming Canada but we know the Democrats are behind this. It’s a ruse for them to steal your guns and make you watch Satan worship on CNN while you’re too busy coughing', he said coughing.

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Baked Apple anyone?

Charles saves planet by turning down corgi sauna 1.5 °C

Now that corgis no longer reside at the Palace, it has been thoughtfully recognised that the requirement to keep their pampering suite nice and toasty may have diminished. Although most of the world is somewhat relieved that King Charles has single-handedly saved the planet, British subjects have been left with an odd feeling.

'Huh. Buckingham Palace has a swimming pool,' said Barbara Brown from Swindon. 'It never crossed my mind all of these years. I've always thought of them as a "flat on their bellies lapping out of the Serpentine" sort of family.'

'It didn't occur to me, either, mused Marvin Welles from Bath. 'I mean, it wasn't that I thought chlorine might cause harm to lizards, it's just that I never thought of Her Majesty doing lengths. Or Charles bombing. Something about them always suggested they wouldn't float too well. I also hadn't considered Buck Pal-on-the-Mall having a gym; it's more an indoor archery longroom sort of place. Maybe a heads of state trophy room. But what would they have done with the bodies? A torsos of state skittle alley?'

Fiona Williams from Wrexham added, 'In my mind, it's lavish room after lavish room of glorious ancestral portraits, and national treasures "voluntarily" gifted from former countries of the Empire. There just wouldn't be the space, even for a paddling pool. Especially after the Nicholas Witchell (Sex) Dungeon of Torture was installed.

Mary Andrews from Falkirk offered, 'I can imagine a royal swimming pool filled with liquid gold. That would need some heating. King Charles might've realised that could be turned down a degree or two.'

H/T Lockjaw

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