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Furby sighting evidence of climate change



Scientists working for the toy giant Hasbro have warned that Furbys could return to the wild, devastating crops and worrying livestock. Global warming means the Furby can spread throughout Northern Europe, with only Cabbage Patch Dolls as their natural predator. Their brightly covered fur was once valued by elite fashion houses, but the Furby is now seen as an intrusive pest - like James Corden.


The bastard lovechild of a hobbit and a squirrel, the Furby proved a popular pet for cocaine addled children, during the 1980s. However, they were later culled after spreading chlamydia among koala bears and members of the Royal Family.


Not to be mistaken for a Mogwai or Tribble, the Furby is purely carnivorous and has been known to devour the face of its owner, in less than five seconds. Hasbro warned: 'Should you purchase a Furby, do not approach it or cover yourself in BBQ sauce. Notify the army, who will send a trained sniper. Not to kill the Furby, but to shoot you in the head. Anyone who wants one, needs putting down.'




New York rebrands itself in the wake of the Big Smoke



In response to the smog enveloping the Big Apple this week, New York has moved quickly to reduce further harm and reputational damage by changing the names of things.


A spokesman for New York Tourism said 'All meat sold in New York City restaurants is now smoked. Instead of 'I'm walking here' we shout 'I'm wheezing here'. It’s important to be honest with visitors to our great city about how the smoke is affecting things. Also, we’ll be much less likely to get sued'.


New names for landmarks include:


• The Empire Haze Building


• Grime Square


• Sootlyn Bridge


• Statue of Obscurity


• Central Murk


• The Cough-a-fella Center



In a further controversial change, the eagle in the City Seal will be replaced by Smokey Bear.


Further comment on the Big Smoke came this week from lesser-known Republican Presidential candidate, Ray Gindik, 'People are blaming Canada but we know the Democrats are behind this. It’s a ruse for them to steal your guns and make you watch Satan worship on CNN while you’re too busy coughing', he said coughing.


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