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Coca-Cola to launch Coke Water

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Following the success of Diet Coke and Coke Zero, the company is set to launch it's most "radical" product yet: Coke Water.


"Zero has no sugar or caffeine, it's basically carbonated water with flavouring" explained Juliette Brzcynski, VP Futility (Western Hemisphere). "So we thought we could go further and remove the flavouring and carbonation for a truly innovative take on the world's favourite drink. By which I mean coke."


Coke Water retails at £2.59/litre, slightly more than original coke "as it's a premium product". It features the "iconic" logo, but this time in white on blue, and some bottles will sport the first names of characters from Charles Kingsley's classic novel The Water Babies.


And while spokespeople were quick to deny rumours that the company was planning to sell the contents of its factory urinals as Coke Piss, this is not the end of Coke innovation. "I'm not supposed to tell you this" said Ms Brzcynski, lying, "but soon we'll be unveiling an even more premium offer that will truly disrupt the market. Coke Empty."




Coca-Cola corp fires all its executives

Avi Menschenheimer, CEO of the Coca-Cola corp, has made a unilateral decision to fire all the executives who work there.


“I just woke up one day and had a really obvious realisation,” he told reporters. “I mean, we make literally one product which has never changed in the slightest, apart from a blip in the 80s where we tweaked the recipe and instantly tweaked it back. It’s already sold everywhere in the world. Even in places where you can’t get water.


“Obviously we need some blue collar guys to run the factory where it’s made, ship it to distribution centres etc. But somehow the company has, like, ten thousand executives. What the hell do they do all day? Product development? The product never changes. Marketing? Who hasn’t heard of coke?


“So I tentatively suggested to the board that possibly some savings could be made, and they instantly presented me with a plan to bring in even more executives to conduct an “in-depth efficiency study”. And you can bet they’d have found a way to stay on the payroll when the study was over. So I realised the only way was to get rid of the whole lot of them.


“Now my working day consists of the factory foreman calling me up, saying ‘You want us to make some more coke?’ I reply ‘That’d be great, thanks.’ And then I’m pretty much done. Though I keep my phone on in case he calls to say ‘I forgot to ask, you want it in bottles or cans?’”




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