Who doesn’t love a bit of rhyming slang? We love it because it is very British wordplay, it’s how ordinary people talk, not the toffs, and it reminds us of East Enders. Duff, duff, duff…
Well, language is constantly changing, so we asked our intrepid step-daughters (reporters) to suggest some updated rhyming slang. Here’s what they came up with:
Celebs
Oily garage (‘oily’) – Nigel Farage
Oily sump (‘oily’) – Donald Trump
Oily body (‘oily’) – Narendra Modi
Lettuce – Liz Truss (obviously…)
Jeffery Epstein – unclean
Liz Truss – fuss
JD Vance - interpretive dance (eg. ‘Could you explain that using the medium of JD Vance?’)
Nigel Farage – bullshit barage
(Kemi) Badenoch - crock (probably not filled with gold)
Malaise
Robert Jenrick - sick, or taking the mick
Liz Truss – cystitis
Wallace and Gromit - vomit (eg. ‘Look out, don't step in the Wallace’)
Harry Styles - piles
Farmer Giles - piles
Nobby Stiles - piles
Brandreth, Giles – piles. See also Emma Freud.
Train delays
Frisky colt – train fault (eg. ‘Sorry I'm an hour late for work, Northern Rail frisky, innit?:’
Deep sea diver - got no driver
Oak and pine - leaves on the line
Peter Purves - no trolley service
Croydon and Purley - went home early
Stupid Berks - over-running engineering works
Miscellaneous
Snapchat - prat
Underperform - Reform
Mar-a-lago - farago (eg. ‘It were a right mar’)
With contributions from deskpilot, FlashArry, Lockjaw, Walter Eagle, Sirlupus, Sinnick, and Beau-jolly. Well done, team!
Image credit (if any is deserved): perchance.org edited in Wix
Following similar incidents in New Zealand, where MPs of Māori heritage have initiated the Haka in that country’s parliament in protest at proposed legislation, cockney MP Steve Geezer has asserted his right to perform the Lambeth walk in the House of Commons.
Geezer, who represents the constituency of Barking and Shithole, said that to deny him this right would show a lack of respect for the traditions and customs of cockneys.
The Speaker of the House, whilst pointing out that the traditional war declaration of the Māoris and a song and dance number written for a musical in 1937 weren’t quite the same thing, nevertheless said he was minded to allow it as it “should be quite funny for the rest of us”.
Geezer then rounded up the members for Havering, Newham and Dagenham and together, with their thumbs tucked into their braces, they strutted around to a Chas’n’Dave style accompaniment provided by a busker they found outside Westminster tube station.
Once he’d stopped laughing, the Speaker asked what if anything the cockney MPs were protesting about.
”Er… dunno really.. immigration I spose. They come over ‘ere, livin’ on benefits… no wonder there’s never any benefits left for my constituents.”