Above a pie and mash shop in London’s East End, the Leader of the Cockney Independence Movement and Britain’s finest actor, Sir Jason Statham, made an impassioned speech to an audience of pearly Kings and Queens:
'Would you Adam and Eve it, the UK government has finally recognised the democratic rights of cockneys. For years Westminster has been having a right Turkish at our expense. Now we’ll be able to freely export jellied eels, cor blimey trousers and dustman’s hats. We all know these are a great delicacy in some parts of the world.’
A government spokesperson confirmed that negotiators were far happier dealing with Cockneys than Scottish nationalists and that ApplesandPearsRef1 would take place early next year.
‘These things are always tricky,’ she opined, ‘but the marvellous thing with the cheeky, chirpy cockneys is that, unlike the tartan clans, we can at least understand 20% of what they are rabbit and porking about.’