Poundland devalued

Due to the collapse of Sterling, the bargain store has been forced to rebrand as 'Tuppence Zone'. A spokesperson confirmed: 'One Poundland is currently trading for a single Walmart carrier bag.'

Investors in Poundland have found their liquidity drop to the point where they may need to shop at Poundland. Sadly all in-store items are now worth considerably more than a pound, leaving their sole product range as penny sweets, now valued at 99p each.

Traditionally the pound had a pound for pound ratio, but now it is only measured in ounces - renamed the Sub-atomic Pound, given its relative size. The Treasury said: 'If we had a pound for every time the pound was devalued... in fact, that might be the problem.'

IMF 'bunch of bellends' or 'absolutely brilliant' depending if we need to borrow money

This week, the government is focusing its mixed messaging and contradictory positions on the International Monetary Fund.

'How dare they criticise our incompetence', said someone doing a terrible impression of a Chancellor. 'Yes, the pound has collapsed and the country's heading for a slump, but they shouldn't point that out. Having said that, we really love the way they loan money to countries that have destroyed their own economies. Not that we've done that, and if we did it's definitely Gordon Brown's fault.'

Fan who collapsed during Newcastle Utd match couldn't believe how much Saudis paid for the club

A Newcastle United fan collapsed with a suspected heart attack after hearing who had bought the club and how much they had paid for it. The match at St James' Park was suspended while PR men rushed to the scene to convince those in shock that everything was normal and that it is perfectly acceptable these days to receive hundreds of millions of pounds from well dodgy billionaires.

Professional conspiracy theorists earning thousands online just by suggesting bonkers stuff have pointed out that there is a connection between people who have collapsed during football matches. Crackpot theory inventor Jay Kay said, 'Remember when Christian Eriksen collapsed in that Euro 2020 match? He was playing for Denmark but was a Tottenham player at the time, Fabrice Muamba collapsed at the old Tottenham ground, and this fan collapsing at Newcastle last weekend was in a match against... you got it...Tottenham.'

'I'm not saying that Spurs are part of a shady global conspiracy behind a spate of people collapsing at football matches, but I am suggestively planting the idea so that you think there might be some truth to it. But it is definitely not true at all that the Football Association and the UK Government are now allowing any old corrupt cabal to buy Premiership football teams. That would be mad and totally unbelievable.'

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