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A Christmas Carol – Abridged version


Scrooge shook his quill, then slipped a bony finger into the ink pot, confirming that it was dry.


‘Cratchit!’ he shouted, causing young Bob to snap his head up, fear in his eyes. He realised that the ink pot was dry and Scrooge was angry.


‘I’ve been thinking,’ growled Scrooge, fixing young Bob’s stare. ‘You’re right. Let’s close up, scoot to Spoons, get shit-faced and we can pick up a turkey from Tesco on the way home for Mrs Cratchit,’ he said.


Bob relaxed. ‘And tomorrow – Christmas Day?’ he asked.


‘Don’t push it Cratchit. First round’s on you,’ answered Scrooge.



Govt. to crack down on tax-evading Christmas freebies


The government has decided that this year, tax inspectors will follow Santa Claus and assess the value each present delivered before imposing appropriate VAT and import duty on it.  The inspectors will also measure the distance covered by Santa's sleigh and calculate the mileage charge payable.


This is before visiting Santa's workshop and checking the elves' timesheets and wage slips before imposing the correct employer's NI and pension contributions.  Officials will also check the working conditions (including working hours, workplace temperatures, hygiene conditions and health-and-safety situation), imposing appropriate fines and other financial penalties where there are any deficiencies.


Amazon are reported to be considering making a bid for the takeover of the entire Santa Claus enterprise, after the CEO, Mr Claus, was overheard saying 'Oh, bollosck to all this.  I may as well not exist!'


(A merry Christmas to all our readers.  Ho ho flippin' ho.)




How did England cricketers get drunk on awful Aussie lager?


After reports of failing to hold their weak, tasteless so-called beer during the current Ashes tour, an investigation has been launched into the appalling drinking performance of the English cricket team.


Apparently, England have been totally outclassed by their hosts so far on this tour. Batters were battered and bowlers got hammered despite the lack of alcohol in the nation’s beverages, much to the amusement of the locals.


Critics point to the lack of preparation, saying that there should have been more acclimatisation of the players to the impotence of a gallon of Fosters. However, it has been pointed out that they didn’t waste too much time playing cricket before the First Test, so they should have been adequately prepared.


The investigation will look at the tactics employed by the Aussies, including the possibility that they over-pitchered their deliveries. However, it is considered that the England players should have been able to handle any volume of the watery amber liquid.


The report that Freddie Flintoff is to join the squad has not been confirmed.



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