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Liz Truss to fight Anthony Joshua



Jake Paul, the influencer and amateur boxer, did not do well in his boxing match with Anthony Joshua. But canny political operator Liz Truss has noticed how much publicity the match attracted, and is now keen to fight Anthony Joshua herself.


Although Liz Truss has no boxing experience at all, she still fancies her chances. 'It's an all British match,' she shrieked with unaccountable gusto, 'It'll be EPIC,' she yelled, lapsing into upper case, just like her hero, Donald Trump.


Liz will need to secure financial backing for the fight. Some Tory donors are apparently quite keen. 'It would be well worth the money,' said one through gritted teeth.


Liz expects to make over a million from the fight, and could make more than twenty million by betting on herself to win. And the fight will get her a huge amount of free publicity. GB News leads the race for the TV rights. 'I can't use the BBC,' she said, 'I need this to be broadcast in America, too.'


'When I win,' said Liz, with a steely glint in her eyes, 'I will immediately challenge Nigel Farage to a fight. Then we'll see who's the Daddy.'



Putin promises no more wars, if Europe respects Russia


Putin has promised there will be no more wars, if Europe respects Russia.


His spokesman went on to explain that respect, in this context, means not objecting when Russia takes entire countries that Russia thinks it rightfully owns because it conquered them once before. And not offering them military assistance and funding. Also respecting Russia's plans to make Europe dependent on Russian resources like oil and gas. And not developing weapons that could counter Russia's weapons, such as anti-missile systems and nuclear missiles. And not stationing them anywhere near Russia's borders. And not even having the ability to cut off Russia's maritime access through the Baltic or the Black Sea or the Arctic. And not suggesting that Russia's occupation of Georgian territory, or Chechnya, is in any way wrong or unjustified. And not even talking about human rights in Russia. And not harboring Russian opposition figures. And allowing Russia to fund lobbying and bribes in our political systems.


You know, the usual respecty things, like in Goodfellas.


And this time, Putin is definitely not lying, whatever you might have been told he has promised in the past.



Blair: Everyone will catch Covid in 45mins




The former PM and unrepentant liar has given the anti-vax movement a significant boost by promoting a fourth vaccine. Complained one scientist: 'Great, just what we needed, an endorsement by Harold Shipman'.


The snake-oil salesman insisted the fourth jab was necessary, as Saddam Hussain had caused Covid. Said one voter: 'I assume Blair has just been lobbied by big Pharma to inject us with Bill Gates' nanobots. Either that, or he'll dose us up with Rohypnol and steal our bank details.


Blair explained that he would coordinate the injections from a secluded wood. It would be administered by a nice MI5 man and we won't 'feel a thing'. And, anyway, the autopsy report would just say suicide.



First published 23 Dec 2021


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