List of projects Reeves will axe to plug budget black hole announced

The chancellor is set to announce immediate cuts worth billions of pounds, aimed at plugging a £20bn black hole in the finances, when she addresses Parliament on Monday. These include:

1. The Eton Mess Memorial Museum, set up by the Conservatives to celebrate the country's favourite dessert.

2. The Tunnel under Boris Johnson, planned to relieve pressure on the National Monument, is one of the infrastructure projects that could be halted to save money.

3. The Rwanda Migration scheme could be adapted to send Tory MPs who lost their seats for a few weeks break on Michelle Mone's Mediterranean yacht before they have to find new jobs.

4. Rishi Sunak's swimming pool will be turned into a new reservoir to provide clean drinking water to the whole country.

The Conservative Party said the state of the public finances was clear before the election. This is at least one thing on which everyone agrees.

image from pixabay

'Conservative weather must be modern weather', says ousted Tory MP

"The real reason behind our wipe-out in the polls is that our policy on the weather dithered in the middle, when we should have dared to go to the extremes," writes Sir Steve Half-Baked in The Daily Mule, having lost his seat for Leftward Ho! in Somerset when the vote there swung 90 percent against the Tories.

"I put my loss down to a failure to attract the votes of the young - or anyone with half a brain, for that matter," continues Sir Steven, "and that is because the Conservative Party has gutlessly opted for the stodgy middle ground over the past fourteen years, delivering the electorate overcast skies and light drizzle.

"This is not what our young voters want. They are yearning for a radical new weather system giving them blazing hot days so they can go to 'raves' and take 'highs', and also go on riots to loot shops for 'free stuff'. They also want the occasional day when it pelts with rain so they can laze about on beanbags in their homes - or 'pads' - listening to 'trance' music.

"I know these strange new habits and slang words might disturb people - especially all my fellow throwbacks who read the Daily Mule. However, the Conservatives must strive whilst in opposition to connect with young, metropolitan voters if we are ever to get back into power to advance our great mission: cutting the taxes of the rich and the benefits of the poor, and taking Britain back to where it belongs - the year 1964.

"Of course, we don't mention those bits of the Tory plan to them. That's because young people are, generally-speaking, a bunch of fair-minded, namby-pamby liberals who neither know or care what 1964 was like.

"Personally, I hate the rotten little sods."

https://pixabay.com/photos/water-raindrops-raining-wet-liquid-815271/

https://www.newsbiscuit.com/

Man discovers there's an election on

Mike Davies, forty-two from Northwich, has just discovered that he is expected to vote today.

'Nobody told me the government had called an election, there wasn't anything in the newspapers apart from a few cryptic headlines, and apparently I must have junked the polling card into the recycling because I haven't seen it anywhere,' he said today.

Despite claiming to be politically active, Mr Davies says his wife hadn't mentioned anything and as she had double-booked all his normal Conservative Association meetings for the last month he hadn't been anywhere near the club.  'I'm sure someone would have mentioned it if I'd popped in,' he said.

Mike claims to being 'quite tech savvy' but unfortunately his WhatsApp messages and groups seem to have been lost, as have all his email and phone contacts.  His wife, who is a tech consultant, is trying to retrieve all his data and has loaned him a brick phone until she gets his up and running.

'It's taken an age but she's very busy, she's out walking a lot in that orange tabard she's taken to wearing when out and about - hi viz I guess, safety first - and has been delivering leaflets advertising community events or something.  She reckons she'll have my phone sorted by Friday, so I'll be able to check the results then.  Meanwhile I need to work out how to get to my polling station, which apparently is one hundred and sixteen miles away and she's booked to take her mum out all day leaving me carless.

'Never mind, I'll get there and vote Tory as usual.  I'm sure she's sorted something out for herself,' he said.