"The real reason behind our wipe-out in the polls is that our policy on the weather dithered in the middle, when we should have dared to go to the extremes," writes Sir Steve Half-Baked in The Daily Mule, having lost his seat for Leftward Ho! in Somerset when the vote there swung 90 percent against the Tories.
"I put my loss down to a failure to attract the votes of the young - or anyone with half a brain, for that matter," continues Sir Steven, "and that is because the Conservative Party has gutlessly opted for the stodgy middle ground over the past fourteen years, delivering the electorate overcast skies and light drizzle.
"This is not what our young voters want. They are yearning for a radical new weather system giving them blazing hot days so they can go to 'raves' and take 'highs', and also go on riots to loot shops for 'free stuff'. They also want the occasional day when it pelts with rain so they can laze about on beanbags in their homes - or 'pads' - listening to 'trance' music.
"I know these strange new habits and slang words might disturb people - especially all my fellow throwbacks who read the Daily Mule. However, the Conservatives must strive whilst in opposition to connect with young, metropolitan voters if we are ever to get back into power to advance our great mission: cutting the taxes of the rich and the benefits of the poor, and taking Britain back to where it belongs - the year 1964.
"Of course, we don't mention those bits of the Tory plan to them. That's because young people are, generally-speaking, a bunch of fair-minded, namby-pamby liberals who neither know or care what 1964 was like.
"Personally, I hate the rotten little sods."