General Election 2024: Party Anthems

Here are some of the tracks on the new album 'Now 2024: Now That's What I Call A General Election' -

Conservative - 'Easy Come, Easy Go' by Elvis Presley

Labour - 'I Heard It On The Grapevine' by Marvin Gaye

Lib Dems - 'Don't You Forget About Me' by Simple Minds

Green - 'Imagine' by John Lennon

SNP - 'My Perfect Cousin' by The Undertones

Reform - 'We're Only Making Plans for Nigel' by XTC

Plaid Cymru - 'My Little Empire' by the Manic Street Preachers

Count Binface - 'All I Ask Of Myself Is That I Hold It Together' by Ned's Atomic Dustbin

DUP - 'I'm Going Slightly Mad' by Queen

Sinn Fein - 'Brothers in Arms' by Dire Straits

Britain First - 'Run Like Hell' by Pink Floyd

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

Tories admit National Service proposal was 3rd choice

A Conservative party spokesperson has ‘fessed up that the idea of reintroducing National Service was in fact the 3rd in line for ‘harnessing the passion and skills of the younger generation’.

'Yes we did have even more exciting proposals! The first was to send 18 year olds down the coal mines. They would have been known as Rishi Boys (and Girls). After prolonged discussion to iron out the details, it was eventually realised that all coal mines in the UK have been closed – nothing of course to do with us.

'The next idea was to expand the entrepreneurial chimney-sweeping industry by reducing the capital and depreciation costs of chimney brushes – by sending 18 years old up the chimney. It obviously didn’t do Bert the Sweep any harm – apart from mangling his cockney accent. Alas it was pointed out that the current generation of adolescents are too fat to get up chimneys – we blame Starmer – and anyway most houses built in the last 50 years don’t have chimneys.

'We still have an ace up our sleeves. We are planning to construct giant treadmills across the country that will be linked up to the National Grid. These will be powered by 18 year olds. This will have the obvious benefits of their losing weight (see above) as well as preparing them for future employment – i.e. working hard and getting absolutely nowhere.'

Image by OpenClipart-Vectors from Pixabay

National Service to be privatised

Rishi Sunak's pledge to bring back national service, includes selling teenagers to the highest bidder. For £12.50 you can rent a kid to fight your war or mow your lawn. This will give them valuable lessons in community and indentured servitude. Said a spokesman: 'It's about kids giving something back and share holders taking a little something out.

 'We can't trust the public sector to deliver public sector services. Kids need to be outsourced. And if Southern Water can run a tap, they can run a teenage fire service - just don't expect the water to be clean.

'18 year olds will be taught to serve. To serve drinks and hors d'oeuvres mainly.'

Asked he thought MPs should also make an effort to serve the nation, he just laughed. And laughed. And laughed.

Picture credit: Wix AI