Voting against the government ‘technically a hate crime’ says government

The government has reminded voters going to the polls on Thursday that not voting Conservative is technically a peaceful protest, and protesting peacefully has been outlawed under the Police, Crime, Sentencing and Courts Bill.  'We have ruled that peaceful protests are essentially a hate crime, just as black is white and Rwanda is completely safe,' said a government spokesman today.

'People attempting to enter polling stations with the intention of voting for candidates who are not Conservative will be turned away or arrested if suspected of thinking of glueing themselves to the voting booths,' added the spokesman. Voters will be checked for suitable documentation before being allowed to vote.  Proof of identity, such as a Conservative membership card, will be checked.

‘  If potential voters don't have suitable ID’ said the spokesperson, ‘then we will take a rolled-up copy of that day's Daily Mail as evidence of reasonableness.’

Hat-tip Sinnick

Image: Pixabay/mounsey

Public toilet becomes famous after being named in MP’s statement

A public toilet has unexpectedly become famous overnight after being namechecked in a statement made by a disgraced Conservative MP.

The toilet, located in London’s Kings Cross station, was named by Mark Menzies MP as the location where he first met the “bad people” who would later cause him such trouble, locking him in a flat until a ransom was paid to secure his release.

Menzies said he couldn’t be specific about which stall he was in, only that it had a hole in the dividing wall “at about waist height”.

Reg Prescott, who has cleaned the toilet for 15 years, said that its sudden fame had led to a lot of new people coming there. “Though none of them wanting to use it as a toilet, funnily enough.”

image from pixabay

Rishi reveals his masterplan

Following the press statement by the Prime Minister the inevitable questions have been circulating.  When are they going?  When is HE going?  What airline is foolish enough to take Rishi's money?

We are going to answer all of these questions and more.  Unbeknownst to the general public the Prime Minister has avoided the potential embarrassment of failing to find an airline willing to risk its reputation by flying the refugees by dipping into his small change piggy bank and has bought British Airways.  He did consider buying RyanAir, but felt that was a low blow, even for refugees.

To avoid the problems with getting staff to fly the plane the Prime Minister has been learning to fly, mainly by cadging front row seats from Tory donors and by playing Flight Simulator on his X Box.  His first choice had been to train Liz Truss, but she only seemed capable of crashing things. 

The three hundred or so trained staff are actually all Tory MPs - predominantly those forecast to lose their seats once Sunak calls the election.  The motivation is that the nastiest MP on the flight will be promised the safest seat come the election, so unfortunately, we might not have seen the back of Gullis.

Finally, in answer to the continued questioning whenever Sunak claims the Rwanda flights are the 'will of the people', which has confused many pundits.  The people it is the will of are the people sat behind him in the House of Commons.  As most of them are forming the security detail they will still be sat behind him, all the way to Rwanda.  Here's hoping he's as inept at fuelling an aircraft as he was with a Kia.

Image: Pixabay/PublicdomainPictures