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An open letter from the Conservative Party to Mr Jeremy Corbyn

Mr Corbyn,


We here at CCHQ would like to acknowledge our delight in you not only looking at standing again at the forthcoming General Election but also forming an alternative left-wing political party to provide left-wing voters a choice of left-wing parties to vote for.  We in the Conservative Party believe in voters having choice, apart from those lunatics at Reform UK - you can fuck right off Tice* - and above all we respect conviction politicians - the sheer number of Conservative MPs that have been convicted in recent years should reinforce that point!


We appreciate starting a new political party can be a pretty time-consuming and personnel-intensive effort, so we would love to help you out with secretarial support, stationery supplies and office space should you need it.  Whatever your needs, just ask and we can find a donor ready to help our your cause. 


We look forward to chewing the fat on the hustings with yourself and your fellow delegates.


*and Farage, unless you reconsider our offer to lead us into the next General Election.  Just say the word and we can have you in the top job next Tuesday, Thursday latest




A very quiet Happy New Year to you

Updated: Jan 2, 2024


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Shhh.  Please can you click that mouse more gently?  Could you scroll quieter? What the f$ck is that loud fizzing noise?  Oh, it's the Alka Seltzer I just popped in my glass of water.


OK, great party last night.  Well, moderate party until someone started playing 'guess the Tory quote'.  Hilarious.  'I will unite our country not with words, but with action'.  I guessed Nigel Farage as he's the next Tory leader and he's united most of the country to hate him, but no.  Rishi effing Sunak, apparently.  But nobody guessed he also said 'There will be integrity, professionalism and accountability at every level of the government I lead'.  He leads the government?


Then we had 'We are paid handsomely for the job we do and if you need an extra £100,000 a year on top then you should really be looking for another job'.  I was certain it was Lee Anderson, but held back because he has a second job, paying £100,000, talking shite on GB News.  But it was, and looking at the polling for Ashfield he will be looking for another job as soon as Rishi sets the date for the next election.


'The Party I lead today is unrecognisable from 2019' caused everyone a lot of head scratching as the Tories have had a lot of leaders since 2019, practically one a month.  Then we found out it was Keir Starmer, and boy did that raise a laugh.  We thought the quiz was about Tory leaders.  And now I've sobered up, I get it!




Tories accuse Labour of stealing their dressing up clothes


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Following the release of photos of Keir Starmer wearing military fatigues, the Conservatives have accused Labour of 'sneaking in to No 10 and stealing all our dressing up clothes'. Labour have denied the accusation, pointing out that Boris Johnson burst the buttons on the government soldier outfit, forcing Rishi to resort to using an Action Man outfit found in a charity shop.


The Government remains unconvinced as they say they can't find the cowboy outfit, but it was pointed out that the Conservative Party was the cowboy outfit.


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