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Newspapers have been reporting that ever since Rishi Sunak came to power, he’s been fighting fires within his own party, however the fire service has pointed out that Sunak is not a trained fire fighter and the reality has been that it’s the fire service that inevitably gets called in to put the fires out. As a consequence, the fire service has had to inform the government that from now on, a charge will be made for each time it gets called out to fight a Tory party fire.



Chief Fire Officer Sam Stoker said “The pressure this has put on fire services in the Westminster area has been excessive and beyond what we can reasonably cope with for the long term. It’s costing the service a fortune, particularly as the fires usually happen over evenings and weekends when we have to pay overtime to maintain a service for the rest of London.”



A fire investigations officer revealed: 'In every instance since Sunak came to power, our investigations have come to the same conclusion - there’s been far too much arson about in parliament'.


Hat-Tip: Sir Lupus


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Despite a definite proclivity for procreation, Conservative MPs are believed to be seriously in decline.  While more than 300 are currently known to be in the wild, it is expected that within less than two years there may only be a handful left roaming the corridors of Westminster.  As a result the World Wildlife Fund has declared the Conservative MP to be an endangered species.



'Support the WWF and all the good work they do,' implored one of the few surviving Conservative MPs.  'Donate £3 a month to the WWF to help them continue to campaign and whatever else it is they do with the money.  If every voter in the land donated £3 a month to the WWF then they wouldn't need to run adverts with doe -eyed pandas ever again. Better still, donate it direct to the Conservative Party.  Yes, donate £3 a month to the Conservative Party, starting now.  Better still, make that £3 a day to the Conservative Party.  If every voter donated £3 to the Conservative Party I wouldn't have to worry about working ever again.  Better still, donate £3 a day to me, direct, in a brown envelope to save me worrying about tax,' he added.



A WWF spokesperson confirmed the endangered species element.  'No idea why they are becoming so rare,' he said.  


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The gravity of the situation could not be more galacticly tittersome as the physics of laws bend around the most incompetent thing in the universe.



Former prime ministerial duty shirker, layabout, and world-beating coward, Boris Johnson, thought he was playing another blinder of a swindle by still getting the UK taxpayer to fund his legal team. Overpaid, overworked, and now over there on the side of the prosecution... What? Eh?



The way it is supposed to work, is that you do whatever the hell you want, pay off some chaps in wigs or something to clean up all of your messes for you, totally get away with it, and jolly well carry on carrying on. That's the way it has always worked, and that's the way it was always designed to be. Even went to the lengths of ensuring those pesky meddling Europeans couldn't interfere with their heinous laws of reasonable fairness. And into the con, you get to patriotically shaft the people of Britain seven ways from Uxbridge.



Roger de Badger, a legal eagle on Johnson's crack law team sighed, 'Well he's just too guilty of too much stuff, if you'll pardon the plain English. We're supposed to be bound to protect him and serve his interests, but the magnitude of his illegality folds back in on itself. Not so much a party event, as a party event horizon - even if one only focuses on the relativity of his low-scale misdemeanours. We've never before encountered this third kind of justice warping.



'The totality of his implosion created a black hole of the indefensible, and it's forced a rather unique singularity to occur where there was no way to prevent him from sucking himself under his own party bus.'




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