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Boris Johnson defies the physics of laws as his own defence team find him guilty

The gravity of the situation could not be more galacticly tittersome as the physics of laws bend around the most incompetent thing in the universe.

Former prime ministerial duty shirker, layabout, and world-beating coward, Boris Johnson, thought he was playing another blinder of a swindle by still getting the UK taxpayer to fund his legal team. Overpaid, overworked, and now over there on the side of the prosecution... What? Eh?

The way it is supposed to work, is that you do whatever the hell you want, pay off some chaps in wigs or something to clean up all of your messes for you, totally get away with it, and jolly well carry on carrying on. That's the way it has always worked, and that's the way it was always designed to be. Even went to the lengths of ensuring those pesky meddling Europeans couldn't interfere with their heinous laws of reasonable fairness. And into the con, you get to patriotically shaft the people of Britain seven ways from Uxbridge.

Roger de Badger, a legal eagle on Johnson's crack law team sighed, 'Well he's just too guilty of too much stuff, if you'll pardon the plain English. We're supposed to be bound to protect him and serve his interests, but the magnitude of his illegality folds back in on itself. Not so much a party event, as a party event horizon - even if one only focuses on the relativity of his low-scale misdemeanours. We've never before encountered this third kind of justice warping.

'The totality of his implosion created a black hole of the indefensible, and it's forced a rather unique singularity to occur where there was no way to prevent him from sucking himself under his own party bus.'

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