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Truss launches ‘Hokey Cokey’ manifesto, briefly



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You slap your pay freeze in

You whip your pay freeze out

In, out, in, out?

Flip flop all about

Piss off the public sector

And U-turn around

That's what she’s all about

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

Woah, she’s in a tizzy

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

Tone deaf

Off-key

Ra-ra-ra


You put your cheese deals in

Your pull your pork deals out

In, out, in, out?

Churn it all about

Sign some pointless trade deals

Deny they’ve bid you down

That's what she’s all about

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

Woah, that Brie is fizzy

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

Arse from

Elbow?

Ra-ra-ra


Campaign for EU: In

Reverse to EU: Out

In, out, in, out?

Call them Frogs and Krauts

Do whatever wins you

All the centre ground

That's what she's all about

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

Woah, spin-doctor busy

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

Arm out

Salute

Ja-ja-ja


You drive your big tank in

Can’t find the exit out

In, out, in, out?

Wander aimlessly about

You do the walk of shame

Spinning round and round

That's what she’s all about

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

Woah, that fit is hissy

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

This way?

That way?

Ha-ha-ha!


The Lib Dems let you in

The Tories lure you out

In, out, in, out?

Flirt your way about

Yellow, blue or bloodied

Wave your flag around

That's what she's all about

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

Just how loyal is she?

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

Pants down

Arse kiss

Mwah-mwah-mwah


You promise spending up

You promise taxes down

Up, down, up, down?

What a fiscal clown

You’ll send inflation soaring

Living standards down

That's what she’s all about

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

Woah, she’s telling fibbies

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

Morals bent

Truth stretched

Ra-ra-ra


You stick the dagger in

Leak the cartoon out

In, out, in, out-

Stab it all about

You slag off your opponent

Lose any moral ground

That’s what she’s all about

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

Woah, she’s stabbing Rishi

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

Arm back

Knife in

Far-far-far


They’re going to vote her in?!

It’s going to be a rout?!

In, in, in, in-

Please be in no doubt

The country’s going up shit creek

With no paddles found

That's what she's all about

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

Woah, it’s getting schizzy

Woah, the Dizzy Lizzy

I’m f*cked

You’re f*cked

Waa-waa-waa


[Repeat through tears, praying for sweet release]



First published 5 Aug 2022


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Energy crisis solved by spinning magnet made from perpetual sexist and racist Tory Member repulsion


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The Conservative party faithful have been plunged into disarray by a leadership run-off between 'a darkie and someone with a vagina'. The loathing amplified for both types of 'undesirable' by a Conservative government hellbent on a disgusting strategy of societal division, has come back to bite like the Ouroboros snake endlessly chomping down on its own tail.


The 'shocking' prospect of a Prime Minister who isn't white or a man, has sent some Tory members into a ceaseless spin of revulsion. But a mad old inventor from Basingstoke has harnessed this dark force and converted it into a source of energy.


'All you need is a fully paid up Tory bigot,' said Professor Blake. 'You give them just two options they equally despise, and they start to spit and froth, turning away from each with equal force. You then construct a housing made from material manufactured by GB News, the Daily Mail, the Express and the Telegraph, and that really ramps up the hatred revolutions per minute.


'Gather a few Conservative member fuel rods together and connect them in a series of right-wing echo chambers, and you could power the UK on pure intolerance for the next thousand years.'


image from pixabay


First published 30 Jul 2022


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Fired? Jolly japes to leave your new replacement - a Conservative list

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Spaffed your job up a wall and been replaced by some noob? Why not leave a few tricks and jokes for the newbie, hilarity will definitely ensue! Perhaps one of these delights, put together by some Tory MPs who suddenly had a lot more free time available:


1. Poor some cress seeds on the carpet and give them a water before you leave. Maybe spell out a fun word like “Thatcher”.


2. Ram all the prisons to capacity and do nothing about it. Top bants.


3. Swap the mouse button settings round so they get confused and can’t press the correct one. Let them get any Social Reform through with that kind of setback.


4. Freely distribute top secret information about in a spreadsheet and make sure you cover it up until they are in charge. Try to make sure it’s expendable foreign chaps rather than your own lot…


5. Put some sardines behind the radiator and say you saw some of their back benchers do it.


6. Spend ALL the money and say everything is fine. This isn’t as fun if the other lot already know about it and pretend to go along with it. You both look daft then.


7. Shit in a drawer. Simple and effective.


8. Don’t pay people or fix things, enraged NHS staff, tired teachers, concerned school roof enthusiasts, poor train workers and all the scandal compensation…it’ll cost billions. The look on the new lot’s faces…priceless.


In no circumstances leave a “funny” note saying there’s no more money. They might use it against you and suddenly pretend that they take finances very seriously. It’s political wokeness gone mad.



Image credit: Thomas Bormans / Unsplash



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