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Epping residents unsafe

'In short, residents of Epping are unsafe,' said legal representative, Hope Porter. 'They are unsafe in that they are a danger to others, each other, and the forest. 


'Locals are responsible for the vast majority of crimes committed here. Visitors to the area and asylum seekers staying nearby must be protected from them. The tense situation cannot continue and residents must be removed for the sake of, well, Epping really.


'There have been threats, violence, and threats of violence. And that's just the media attempting to whip up riots. So the situation cannot in any way be described as a peaceful protest. My greatest fear is that they'll start bussing in professional rioters from Harlow.


'And it goes much further. Epping Council is so unsafe, it should probably be deported, My daughters are going to get raped by forrins,' screamed Gavin Clack, 56, a childless local resident. 'I'm 'ere to protect 'em, 'cause they're gonna be beautiful and very sexy. We're all here to protect Gav's sexy daughters too,' confirmed Clack's former cellmates.




Git the Younger to take over Warwickshire Council

Warwickshire County Council was rocked this week by the resignation of its leader, Git the Elder, leaving his 18 year old deputy unexpectedly in charge.


Git the Younger, also from the Reform Party, said he’d do his best but had rather unfortunately become leader right in the middle of his exams.


He immediately demanded tougher sentences for geography teachers, and called upon the leader of the opposition to test him on his Latin vocab.


He also called for an end to Reform making policy decisions after a few jars down the pub, since the landlord refused to believe he was 18 and wouldn’t let him in. Unfortunately, party strategists said it was the only way to make sure Nigel Farage turned up.




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