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Debt collectors now calling randomly


Debt collectors, whose work has been publicised by television, admit targeting non-debtors.


A debt collector working for one debt recovery company told us, 'We don't bother trying to get the address right. It's always wrong on the paperwork anyway. So we just pick any old address in the area and turn up on spec.


'Usually people open the front door and I put me foot in, and they can't close it. Then I ask them if they've had any emails or messages asking for payments. That makes them think a bit. They aren't surprised to see us, because most people have had some scam emails, messages or letters demanding payment of debts for all sorts of fake things.


'Thing is, everyone's in debt these days aren't they?


'In the rare case where we do end up taking stuff from people who aren't in debt, they can always take us to court to get the money back. They will need a court order. Then they will need to go to a debt collection agency. It sometimes comes to me as a job, isn't that a laugh? Obviously I don't do our own place, I just get the address a bit wrong and do some plebs who probably have debts too. The client gets their money, so what's the problem?


'But, taking us to court will take ages and be very expensive, so they're better off just forgetting about it. Best just get more stuff on Amazon on the never-never, and carry on. Happy days!'



Image credit: stable diffusion

Witch Hunt and Kangaroo Court to merge




It’s been announced today that a merger between the major phrases “Witch Hunt” and “Kangaroo Court” has been agreed.


The new phrase will be known as “Witch Court” or WC for short. According to one lexical analyst, 'This is a brand refresh that makes sense as the two target markets have almost completely overlapped.'


WC Vice President, Herman Utix, said, “This will save our customers time with the creation of one convenient idiom meaning “any investigation we don’t like”. Encouragingly, we’ve already heard it employed by some of our core users in relation to Trump, with people saying, “Witch Court this week?”.'


It’s believed that "Kangaroo Hunt" was also considered, but rejected owing to a possible legal ownership battle with opponents of UK’s Chancellor of the Exchequer.


Some major users of both phrases were less than happy, however. One protester at the launch of the merger said, 'It’s not enough to steal your guns. These woke types are coming for your cliches now.'


First published 14 June 2023


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Trump tops me for contempt of court, admits McEnroe



'I admit that I outraged the world with my Superbrat behaviour on court, throwing racquets in a temper and calling umpires "the pits",' John McEnroe told White House reporters.


'But look at what Trump's just done. He's deported 261 Venezuelan gang members to El Salvador, blatantly ignoring a court order to turn the plane around and bring them back.


'Man, that's some impressive contempt of court by the President," continued the three-time Wimbledon champion.


'And then he said a single judge in a single city couldn't stop him from getting his way.


'I wish I'd had that much contempt for court orders. Then, I could have gone from tournament to tournament, awarding myself point after point and winning all my matches without throwing a single little hissy fit.'


'McEnroe's a loser,' said a White House spokesman. 'President Trump has won many more Opens than him - and if any news organisation points out that he's lying about that, he'll shut them down for telling fake news, like he did with Voice Of America.'


Photo by Moises Alex on Unsplash

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