Witch Hunt and Kangaroo Court to merge

It’s been announced today that a merger between the major phrases “Witch Hunt” and “Kangaroo Court” has been agreed.

The new phrase will be known as “Witch Court” or WC for short. According to one lexical analyst, 'This is a brand refresh that makes sense as the two target markets have almost completely overlapped.'

WC Vice President, Herman Utix, said, “This will save our customers time with the creation of one convenient idiom meaning “any investigation we don’t like”. Encouragingly, we’ve already heard it employed by some of our core users in relation to Trump, with people saying, “Witch Court this week?”.'

It’s believed that "Kangaroo Hunt" was also considered, but rejected owing to a possible legal ownership battle with opponents of UK’s Chancellor of the Exchequer.

Some major users of both phrases were less than happy, however. One protester at the launch of the merger said, 'It’s not enough to steal your guns. These woke types are coming for your cliches now.'

First published 14 June 2023

www.newsbiscuit.com

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Trump tops me for contempt of court, admits McEnroe

'I admit that I outraged the world with my Superbrat behaviour on court, throwing racquets in a temper and calling umpires "the pits",' John McEnroe told White House reporters.

'But look at what Trump's just done. He's deported 261 Venezuelan gang members to El Salvador, blatantly ignoring a court order to turn the plane around and bring them back.

'Man, that's some impressive contempt of court by the President," continued the three-time Wimbledon champion.

'And then he said a single judge in a single city couldn't stop him from getting his way.

'I wish I'd had that much contempt for court orders. Then, I could have gone from tournament to tournament, awarding myself point after point and winning all my matches without throwing a single little hissy fit.'

'McEnroe's a loser,' said a White House spokesman. 'President Trump has won many more Opens than him - and if any news organisation points out that he's lying about that, he'll shut them down for telling fake news, like he did with Voice Of America.'

Photo by Moises Alex on Unsplash

Judges urged to stop using the word 'fisticuffs'

There was amusement today in the High Court during Mr Justice Bufton-Tufton’s summing up in the case of Rex vs Sawdust.

'Being unable to resolve your differences in a civilised manner, you then resorted to fisticuffs,' said the judge, before looking up to see where the ill-disguised snorts of laughter had come from.

'I’m sorry, m’lord,' smirked Counsel for the Prosecution Sir Timothy Shirehorse, 'but it does sound very funny when you say that word.'

'What, fisticuffs?' asked the judge, causing another outbreak of mirth. This prompted a furious reaction from the judge, who threatened to hold anyone else who laughed in contempt of court.

'Anyone else feel like a giggle?' he asked, prowling around the courtroom. 'What about you, stenographer? Do you find it… wisible… when I say the word… fisticuffs?' The stenographer just about managed to keep a straight face and shake his head.

'I must admit, I love it when he gets the affray cases,' said DI Steve Concrete afterwards. 'You just know he’s gonna say it. But it’s so hard not to laugh. I have to make sure I don’t catch the Chief Super’s eye, or else we’ll both be off.'

For his part, the judge said he didn’t understand all the fuss about a word that was perfectly commonplace at Eton in the 1920s.

'Next they’ll be saying that describing someone as a ‘rum old cove’ is outdated.'

Picture credit: Wix AI (Judge in a wig - still hilarious)