Bill Gates ‘up all night’ tracking vaccinated people

Software magnate Bill Gates has told of his ‘utter exhaustion’ after tracking billions of people who have received a Covid vaccine.

'Initially I thought it would be fun”, he told NewsBiscuit. “Knowledge is power, so knowing that Marjorie Perks goes to Asda every Thursday would be useful. Or something.”

Gates hadn’t fully appreciated the effects of the Earth’s rotation, meaning that half of the people he was tracking would be active during his night time. To make it worse, he is using Microsoft software to track people, meaning that he needs to hit CTRL-ALT-DEL every few hours and occasionally reinstall his operating system.

'I have fresh respect for Santa”¸ he said. “There are just too many people on this damn planet."

Anti-vaxxers say they have no sympathy for Gates. “That’s why I wouldn’t let them poison me,” said Chad, a registered moron from Utah. 'I’m glad it’s keeping him awake. Sheeple need to wake up. Now pass me that bleach would you, it’s time for my daily injection.”

www.newsbiscuit.com

Brave Brits fighting back against do-gooders

An underground movement of heroic Britons is finally poised to take on the anti-growth, probably bearded, woke fanatics who are trying to destroy our British way of life with pronouns, improved energy efficiency and vaccines. Bastards.

Barry Evans (45) of Wolverhampton is one of the rebels. 'They want us to insulate our lofts, which seems reasonable till you realise it’s the thin end of the wedge. Next they’ll ask us all to hug a baby seal or eat vegan sausage rolls. If I wanted nature I’d put David Attenborough on.'

Barry isn’t alone. Well, obviously he is, but he isn’t the only rebel. Pete Housman (43) from Rotherham told us 'These do-gooders make me want to puke. They go on about fracking but the yanks have it and they pay about twenty pee a gallon. It isn’t as if Britain has its own supply of petrol. What? The North Sea? Isn’t that in France or something?'

Darren Wimborne (44) from Bristol is still angry about the Covid lockdowns. 'We’ve become a fascist state where an Englishman can’t go about his lawful business,' he told reporters. 'If I want an avoidable death I’ll bloody have one. It’s in the Magna Carta.'

Rebels have threatened to dress up as superheroes and burn effigies of Eddie Izzard unless the Black Lives Matter movement renames itself Every Life Matters. Other protest activities include folding their arms in the pub, adopting a smug expression, making jokes about "feeble" vegans and retweeting whatever Piers Morgan just said.

In what may be their master stroke, Bill Gates is unable to track them because they haven’t been vaccinated, so he’s having to waste his time curing malaria and other woke nonsense instead. That’ll teach him.

www.newsbiscuit.com

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/clker-free-vector-images-3736/

Boris ‘playing 4-D Eurovision chess’

Boris Johnson has been unmasked as the brilliant architect of a secret 20-year plan to win Eurovision.

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst was one of the few aides in the know ‘Boris was a massive fan of 2003's nul pointers Jemini. Boris knew we needed a comeback story so first he had to make all of Europe hate us. Hence Brexit. Then he had to make Europe feel sorry for us, by making life excruciatingly miserable here. Hence Brexit, austerity, NHS underfunding, corruption, racism, Covid contracts, partygate and Priti Patel in general. Lastly, he needed a villain, so Boris took dodgy Russian money for the Tories and laundered more through London. Next year sympathy for Ukraine will be down and Britannia will rule the sound waves.’

‘Clearly, Cheryl Baker’s skirt being whipped off had quite the effect on the young Boris.’

Image: https://pixabay.com/users/piro4d-2707530/