Jab for 12-15's will protect against pinch punch first of the month

The Government have tried to reassure parents that the Covid jab is safe for teenagers, by suggesting that it provides protection against wedgies, noogies and the inevitable ‘wet willy’. They also claim that the jab will guard against acne – but only in the arm that has the injection.

One doctor explained: ‘There is a very real risk to teenagers receiving a pinch and a punch, if they have not been vaccinated. The Covid jab is 74% effective against all forms of tomfoolery and gives 99% protection against larks’.

Meanwhile anti-vaxxers have declared: ‘White rabbits. No returns!’

Image: Unsplash: Mika Baumeister

'Covid passports would be unfair' says smug b*'tard who already has Covid Pass

A total bastard who gets off on causing bitter division between other people at every opportunity is going around saying that Covid passports in England would cause division between people and would be unfair.

'Covid passports are a great idea and we are definitely doing that,' said the utter bastard, not even pausing for breath before immediately following those words with, 'Covid passports are unnecessary and would be unfair, so that's not happening.'

Asked if the existing NHS Covid Pass - which anyone who has been double jabbed can request online and have posted to them - happens to be everything a Covid passport is except in name, the complete bastard said, 'Absolutely not,' tucking his very own NHS Covid Pass document into his blazer pocket.

Further pushed on the point that regardless of whether Covid passports would be a good thing or a bad thing, people arguing about whether England should have them or not is somewhat futile if anyone can get an NHS Covid Pass whenever they want, the uberbastard added, 'As long as the whole country is arguing about it, then they are not noticing me embezzling billions of taxpayer money, are they?'

Image: Pixabay/geralt

Covid welcomes relaxation of restrictions on Covid

In a prepared statement, coronavirus has spoke of his relief to be getting out and about after the restrictions on movement were lifted: ‘It's been a long tough summer. And I haven't been able to attend as many festivals as I hoped. Vaccines? Well, I'd be lying if I said they made me feel a bit unwelcome. But clearly the relaxed protections mean you missed me all along.'

‘I'm pleased they’ve removed Covid precautions at schools. It’s just great to see all those smiling - maskless – faces. Next, let's get rid of all that boring hand-washing, okay? I'm particularly grateful to all those businesses that insisted their staff should be onsite – you’ve definitely got your priorities right. I'm just happy to be visiting relatives ... your relatives, their relatives, anyone’s relatives really. I'm just a people person.'

Image: syaibatuhamdi/Pixabay