'Desperate' World Health Boffins Seek Guidance From Facebook Headbanger

The beleaguered World Health Organisation have sought advice on battling the covid-19 health emergency from an opinionated, know-nothing ponce with a Facebook page who regularly regales his meagre readership with unsubstantiated tripe about vaccine efficacy, anti-lockdown initiatives and the role of Bill Gates in turning vaccinated people into magnetised automatons with the ability to send and receive Bluetooth.

A WHO spokesman told newsmen last night: "We are extremely concerned by the various strains of coronavirus that seem to be mutating into ever-more virulent manifestations.

"With our scientists at a loss and our medical experts at their lowest ebb, we have decided to ask for help from a feeble-minded, conspiracy fucknut from Facebook.

"Hopefully, he'll be able to put us straight on the futility of deploying a vaccine programme worldwide and steer us onto a more clear-headed path that involves Tom Hanks, Covid-19 5G lamppost-based transmitters, and urging people to attend mass bleach-drinking rallies across the globe."

This latest volte-face comes just a week after Health Secretary, Sajid Javid, issued a directive, urging Brits to push homoeopathic capsules containing grass cuttings up each other's bottoms if they start losing their sense of taste and smell as previously suggested by somebody's Aunty Beryl on Twitter.

Danny Soz

Home Office to retain Covid measures “just in case”

Following the failed attempt by Government to contain the Covid virus, the Home Office led by Priti Patel has decided to extend all restrictions indefinitely

The British Army has already been successfully deployed, nominally to assist the Covid response under the guise of “Operation Rescript”. This allows fully armed soldiers to monitor transport and control the ports, and generally infiltrate the public consciousness as “a necessary evil”

Secondly, the airports have been largely shut down to prevent foreigners from arriving, and to imprison those who do, but mainly to stop British nationals from leaving as the dark forces clamp down

Next, the freedoms of news reporting are slowly being eroded. The BBC is inexplicably drifting towards supporting the Government, and Channel 4 is to be “privatised” (we know what that means)

Patel’s plan to use the military for absolute control is to be trialled in England, where it will be renamed as “The Devolutionary Guard”

Hat tip to Granger

Couple who booked a holiday of a lifetime in Leicester still waiting for refund

Bill and Margaret Evans were really looking forward to their 'once in a lifetime' holiday to Leicester, but were gutted when Leicester was locked down again just as they were planning to catch the bus after a roller-coaster few months of worry. Now their holiday is ruined and there's no sign of a refund in sight.

'We re-mortgaged the house, cut back on Dominos Pizzas and even renegotiated our Sky package to afford the holiday,' said Bill, while acknowledging the Sky deal had 'backfired a little' as he ended up paying £30 a month more. 'But I did get Sky Sports added,' he said.

'We normally make sound decisions - we backed the winning side in the Brexit vote and feel we were instrumental in ensuring the best team possible was in charge for the coronavirus pandemic. This was such an unexpected situation especially as we book this once in a lifetime holiday every year,' he said.

When asked about insurance, Bill shrugged. 'Like I say, we make sound decisions and generally leave that one until the night before - no point spending money on something you'll never need,' he said.