Home Office to retain Covid measures “just in case”

Following the failed attempt by Government to contain the Covid virus, the Home Office led by Priti Patel has decided to extend all restrictions indefinitely

The British Army has already been successfully deployed, nominally to assist the Covid response under the guise of “Operation Rescript”. This allows fully armed soldiers to monitor transport and control the ports, and generally infiltrate the public consciousness as “a necessary evil”

Secondly, the airports have been largely shut down to prevent foreigners from arriving, and to imprison those who do, but mainly to stop British nationals from leaving as the dark forces clamp down

Next, the freedoms of news reporting are slowly being eroded. The BBC is inexplicably drifting towards supporting the Government, and Channel 4 is to be “privatised” (we know what that means)

Patel’s plan to use the military for absolute control is to be trialled in England, where it will be renamed as “The Devolutionary Guard”

Hat tip to Granger

Couple who booked a holiday of a lifetime in Leicester still waiting for refund

Bill and Margaret Evans were really looking forward to their 'once in a lifetime' holiday to Leicester, but were gutted when Leicester was locked down again just as they were planning to catch the bus after a roller-coaster few months of worry. Now their holiday is ruined and there's no sign of a refund in sight.

'We re-mortgaged the house, cut back on Dominos Pizzas and even renegotiated our Sky package to afford the holiday,' said Bill, while acknowledging the Sky deal had 'backfired a little' as he ended up paying £30 a month more. 'But I did get Sky Sports added,' he said.

'We normally make sound decisions - we backed the winning side in the Brexit vote and feel we were instrumental in ensuring the best team possible was in charge for the coronavirus pandemic. This was such an unexpected situation especially as we book this once in a lifetime holiday every year,' he said.

When asked about insurance, Bill shrugged. 'Like I say, we make sound decisions and generally leave that one until the night before - no point spending money on something you'll never need,' he said.

Nation pities poor Boris stoically self-isolating on massive country estate

Boris Johnson, a suspected English politician, has found himself in the terrible position of suffering self-isolation on an immense, majestic country estate. Pity from a pitiful nation is widespread, everyone profoundly concerned about how he will cope in such dire circumstances.

A government spokestosser confirmed, 'Boris often goes to Chequers to avoid work he doesn't do anyway. His self-imposed, self-irreversible, self-isolation might look to some like he will be living it up on a luxury holiday in the middle of summer, but that is not the case at all. There is a much reduced skeleton staff of only 28 at his every beck and call at Chequers, so it will be a very hard time for him popping his socks off by the pool and sipping margaritas.

'Mr Johnson was in close contact with the Minister for Not Getting Covid. When Mr Javid inevitably tested positive, Boris immediately did the right thing of pretending it hadn't happened. Much later, when the ping of doom confirmation came through, the Prime Minister did not hesitate for one moment to ignore that as well. Several hours later, he took the instant decision of claiming to be on a long-standing special programme he had just made up, making him immune to isolation. The technical name for that in Downing Street is 'doing a Gove'. So it is undeniably the case that the universally loved and globally respected all-round good egg that is our glorious Prime Minister has acted quickly and decisively in exactly the right way.'

In a press conference tomorrow, Brits will be reassured that the Prime Minister is still perfectly capable of continuing to destroy their nation. Irreversibly.