UK to turn Covid into petrol

British scientists say they have unlocked the means of solving our fuel shortage, while at the same time getting Boris Johnson ‘out of the $hit’. Intensive care wards will soon look like petrol forecourts, with queues of BMW drivers fighting to siphon mucus from your nan.

Covid particles will gathered in the sweaty undergarments of the infected and then carefully poured into jerry cans. Then through an elaborate process of osmosis, pollination and lucky heather, the Covid ‘drippings’ will magically transform into diesel.

Petrol pricing will no longer be expressed in pounds, but by the number of sick school children to the mile. Explained one boffin: ‘It’s not so outlandish, the Department of Works & Pensions have been getting blood from a stone for years’.

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Government’s 'Name your own Covid variant' scheme a runaway success

The Government launched initiative has proved popular with the milling masses. People are naming new variants after their pets, the Fido and Tiddles Covid variant being particularly prevalent. Personalised ‘Artisan’ names are to be made available via auction by the DVLA. Custom face masks will be provided with their chosen variant name printed in large letters to show off how superior they are to their sub species public in general. One Minister said that plebs will be able to buy them as gifts to unloved ones, should they survive.

Covid welcomes relaxation of restrictions on Covid

In a prepared statement, coronavirus has spoke of his relief to be getting out and about after the restrictions on movement were lifted: ‘It's been a long tough summer. And I haven't been able to attend as many festivals as I hoped. Vaccines? Well, I'd be lying if I said they made me feel a bit unwelcome. But clearly the relaxed protections mean you missed me all along.'

‘I'm pleased they’ve removed Covid precautions at schools. It’s just great to see all those smiling - maskless – faces. Next, let's get rid of all that boring hand-washing, okay? I'm particularly grateful to all those businesses that insisted their staff should be onsite – you’ve definitely got your priorities right. I'm just happy to be visiting relatives ... your relatives, their relatives, anyone’s relatives really. I'm just a people person.'

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