Air con more expensive than cocaine

The Met Office has issued an amber extreme heat warning for the first time, driving the pound for pound cost of air conditioning units, street name "AC" or "air" above that of crack cocaine or bitcoin.

An former AC dealer spoke on condition of anonymity:

'I was mixed up in the "air" scene, yeah, but it's just too brutal now, so I've gone back to dealing heroin. I knew a John Lewis delivery guy, dropped off a water cooler by mistake. Nice neighbourhood. They beat him to death with it and left him by the side of the road like a warning.'

A fixer for the PM, self-isolating at Chequers said:

'It's hot and he's confined to base, avoiding Covid blame, so he's frisky. The chef said we were having roast pork and I didn't like the faraway look in his eye. Send AC and nudes.'

Britons returning from Staycations to self isolate

The government has noted that the UK has the highest incidence of covid in Europe and with immediate effect the whole of the UK is being put on Amber Plus alert status,' said a government spokesperson today.

'We are particularly concerned with the amount of UK residents taking a staycation, as by definition they are taking a holiday in one of the most highly infected regions in the world,' he added. 'From midnight tonight all Britons returning from a staycation, even if it was in their back garden, will have to self-isolate for ten days and pay for a PCR test.'

The Treasury has admitted that the new policy will hit the economy hard but a spokesman for the Treasury added that 'with everyone in the UK having to pay for the PCR tests sometime over the summer the initiative will probably be cost neutral for the government, and especially welcome for friends of the Cabinet who have been awarded PCR test supply contracts.'

UK takes the lead in Covid Olympics

Long before the athletics starts, the UK is already leading the medal table with eight self-isolations and a bronze medal in track and trace. Prior to the starting pistol going off, Britain has surged ahead with transmission surges.

During events, athletes will have to clear vaccine passport hurdles, sprint for vaccines and take a hop, skip and jump based on sketchy data. The Head of GB Athletics spoke of their pride: ‘We have golds in infection rates, corruption and Mo Farrah has a tickly cough’.

The Games will culminate in the Covid Relay, where British runners pass infected phlegm from one to another, over 100m and 400m. The closing ceremony, as hospitalizations peak, will be followed by the closing of the NHS.