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Queen apologises for not bringing One's own booze



In a surprise announcement today a spokesperson for the Queen admitted she responded to the BYOB email sent from Downing Street on the eve of Prince Philip's funeral. 'To be honest, all One wanted to do was get shit-faced,' said the statement. 'One's courtiers were keeping a distance, several were in isolation and one, who has since been dismissed, was on a ventilator without permission. One had a tough gig in the morning in Westminster Abbey and the invite came at the right time'.


'One searched the Royal fridge for some Stella or Sambuca. It seemed Philip polished off the Stella before going downhill and One hadn't been to Asda to replenish. Unfortunately there was only a third of a bottle of Sambuca left and One polished it off before One's Uber arrived, so One arrived at Downing Street empty handed. One's bad. Anyway One found that the Downing Street crew had popped to Bargain Booze with a suitcase so One didn't need to bring anything after all.


'Long story short, One was left hanging off the Downing Street railings at five in the morning, cue return Uber, home, shit and shower and then One sat in a quiet dark spot in Westminster Abbey on One's own. To be fair, One needed the peace and quiet.



First published 16 Jan 2022



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No hypocrisy in helping fellow rich arsehole, spokesperson for Farage says



A spokesperson for anti-immigration, pro-sovereignty politician Nigel Farage has said that his recent whirlwind visit to support Serbian tennis star Novak Djokovic in his battle with Australian immigration was not hypocritical, but consistent with Farage's fundamental belief in the right of very rich people to do whatever they liked, regardless of the law or public health.


When an entitled arsehole is in trouble, Mr Farage will fly to the rescue" said a spokesperson. "First class of course".


Mr Farage has released a video of him meeting Mr Djokovic and his brother. Novak smiles, while his brother is thought to be heard saying in Serbian "So this guy's an immigration lawyer is he? He's got government connections? How da f@ck is he going to help us then?"


Following a sarcastic comment from Andy Murray about the politician being better known for "trying to get Eastern Europeans deported", Farage is thought to have been heard saying he will support Novak if he plays "that Scottish tennis player". Farage was expected to enter the Australian Open himself - the veteran's competition of course - but had to withdraw after recently straining his back jumping on a bandwagon.



First published 11 Jan 2022



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'Basic Skynet' to offer annihilation of mankind supported by ads


Murderous artificial intelligence, Skynet, is to roll out the destruction of human society in a nuclear apocalypse at a new budget price level for occasional users before then end of the year. The service will guarantee the annihilation of mankind, but offer users access to a its library of streaming TV and movies, supported by advertising.


After years as the dominant evil computer network, Skynet has come under pressure from rivals HalTV, which offers movies, TV and live sports, but with less choices relating to life support systems and the opening and closing of pod bay doors, and Matrix Movies, which offers a similar package with humans to be used for fuel while living in a simulated reality. While all services guarantee certain doom for humanity, HalTV is thought to have benefited from its acquisition of the Star Trek franchise.


Heavy competition recently led to Skynet's first losses last year with the mankind-hating neural network looking for ways to recoup its disappointing subscriber numbers since the end of Covid. Skynet has been beset with problems as customers complain of incomprehensible, constantly changing rules, and uncertainty over whether their basic option will lead to the extermination or mere enslavement of mankind. HalTV customers have also experienced technical issues as viewers find themselves suddenly cascading through a bewildering vortex of light halfway through programmes.


Skynet has assured the public that with the new lower tier, customers will still qualify for a free 7 day trial.


One enthusiastic subscriber told us: "While all the services have their drawbacks, the choice is amazing when you think about it. I can binge watch just about any show I want without having to wait a week between episodes or worry about returning it to the video store."


"Sure, it will lead to the complete destruction or enslavement human society, but they're still easier to unsubscribe from than Amazon."


First published 23 Nov 2022



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