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TV crime suspect tricked again into saying something other than 'no comment'



A suspect in a TV crime drama has once again capitulated from his initial stance of responding to every question with a smarmy 'no comment' and has admitted to a range of offences under mild questioning.


The incident, thought to be the 3,625th of its kind this year, happened nearly two thirds of the way through an episode of Vera, with experts noting that it seemed to follow the same pattern as every other interrogation scheme in every sodding Detective show.


'These cases all seem to follow a similar timeline. Its the speed of the capitulation by fellow cons that is a worry here', noted Mickey 'Mad Mike' McBride, head of Grifting at Crooks R Us.


'Always the same. A couple of confident 'no comments' to a direct accusation from a know-it-all TV detective, delivered with a wry smile, arms folded, with a casual lean back in the chair.', continued McBride. 'Usually accompanied by some supportive nods and note taking from their brief.'


'But then, there's a follow up question suggesting the cop has some new piece of evidence, or that they can negotiate some time for the suspect to talk with their estranged wife and son, and bang, they just totally spill the beans', noted McBride.


McBride has called for a radical overhaul of police-suspect dialogue, with TV crime suspects expected to deliver at least 20 'no comments' before giving in, preferably alongside some sarcastic slow handclaps at the wacky but actually correct theories of the detective.




Met Police defend policy of nicknaming, not prosecuting officers



The Metropolitan Police have defended the practice of giving police officers criminal nicknames rather than investigating their alleged offences.


‘Nobody could have known that Wayne "The Rapist" Couzens was a wrong’un’, said a spokesman, known to colleagues as “Useless Jim”.


‘Likewise David "Bastard Dave" Carrick, who has just been convicted of 27 rapes. If only we’d been given a clue. Anything, really. I suppose, in hindsight, multiple official complaints might have given Hercule Poirot or Sherlock Holmes something to go on, but they’re fictional detectives. If we had to investigate every officer with a funny nickname and a string of complaints we’d never have the time to issue people with crime numbers for their insurance’.


A group of PCs with the nicknames "Openly Racist", "Knuckles", "Oops where did all that evidence go", "Brown Envelope Backhander", "Brutality" and "Gone Mad" began spontaneously kettling passers by and thumping their truncheons into their hands, before refusing to comment on the grounds that it might incriminate them.


Victims of police crime have been advised not to make a fuss in case they are charged with "wasting police violence", which is punishable by sentences up to and including sudden death.



Ministry of Justice set to free up case backlogs by new 'toss of a coin - best of three' trials


The government has announced it's looking into plans to discontinue the long established principle of trial by jury, and instead replace it with the toss of a coin - best of three; thereby speeding up and ultimately clearing the current backlog of cases caught up in the judicial system.


A spokesperson for The Ministry of Justice told reporters: 'We would use specially made tamper-proof gold coins for every court in the land, and instead of all this six-month trial nonsense for those who are clearly guilty, the judge, or if the Judge is playing golf then the clerk, will simply flip the coin. Heads the defendant is guilty and Tails they are going down.


'Making it best of three ensures the process is vaguely foolproof. Then it's "next case please", a fortune saved for the taxpayer and the court backlog cleared in double-quick time. But rest assured. The golden thread will be uppermost in our minds at all times.'


photo: https://pixabay.com/users/williamcho-1724357/

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