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Ministry of Justice set to free up case backlogs by new 'toss of a coin - best of three' trials

The government has announced it's looking into plans to discontinue the long established principle of trial by jury, and instead replace it with the toss of a coin - best of three; thereby speeding up and ultimately clearing the current backlog of cases caught up in the judicial system.

A spokesperson for The Ministry of Justice told reporters: 'We would use specially made tamper-proof gold coins for every court in the land, and instead of all this six-month trial nonsense for those who are clearly guilty, the judge, or if the Judge is playing golf then the clerk, will simply flip the coin. Heads the defendant is guilty and Tails they are going down.

'Making it best of three ensures the process is vaguely foolproof. Then it's "next case please", a fortune saved for the taxpayer and the court backlog cleared in double-quick time. But rest assured. The golden thread will be uppermost in our minds at all times.'


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