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Expecting a Tory drubbing in the upcoming general election, the Secretary of State for levelling up, housing and communities hasn’t been working hard for the country for the last four years. Instead, he has secretly been writing a tawdry television thriller. Thanks to the massive sway the Tory party has over the BBC, the series has been bought and will air on BBC2 early in the new year.
The series is all about Gove. The story has it that the slug lipped politician loses his seat to the Reform party candidate, Lee Anderson who, upon being elected, immediately defects to a new party run by Tommy Robinson called the 'Give us our country back you fuckers!' party.
Gove, now bankrupt and destitute, can’t get a job due to his toxic reputation as a slime ball backstabbing shit bag. So, he sets himself up as a private eye.
The story jumps forward two years. Gove, now an alcoholic, has a self-loathing scene in every episode where he grieves for the daughter he tragically lost.
Drowning his sorrows in Dom Perignon 1999 vintage champagne, we see in a flashback how it happened. She is trampled to death in a polling accident when a mob of disenfranchised Labour voters with pitch forks, denied the ballot because of no ID papers, storm the polling station where she was teaching immigrant children about democracy.
The second episode has Gove hired by Nadine Dorries to find out who was really behind the downfall of Boris Johnson and why nobody bought her shitty book.
Casting has already begun. Rubber-faced comedian Rowan Atkinson will play the part of Gove. Other parts include:
- Rishi Sunak to be played by the moth eaten puppet Roland Rat
- James Cleverly to be played by Lenny Henry
- Esther Mc Vey to be played by a Dot Cotton lookalike
- Jacob Rees-Mogg to be played by Janette Krankie on stilts and poppers
- Oliver Dowden to be played by a ginger rice pudding
- Therese Coffey to be played by Lord Pickles wearing a bell tent
- Lee Anderson to be played by Garry Glitter (parole permitting)
TV critic for the UK red top, The Daily Shite, said about the series, 'I’ve read the script. It’s derivative, corny, and has more holes in the plot than there are potholes in our roads. The BBC is shit-scared of Gove and has bunged the melted cheese-faced twat millions for the series. But it won’t be nearly as bad as the other one they’ve had to buy under pressure from the Tories. That has Boris Johnson playing Beppo the sad faced clown in a remake of Steven King’s IT.'
As a result of budget cuts the police are insisting that either murder victims draw a chalk line around them or their assailants draw it before they scarper the crime scene. 'Chalk will be made available at all police stations, so there's no excuse,' said a police detective. 'Killers need not worry about being identified as they enter and leave the police stations - most are empty most of the time thanks to cutbacks,' he added.
Other ways victims of crime can help the police includes writing down the killer's name and phone number before dying. 'It's a well-known fact that most murder victims know their killers, so if everyone carries a list of all the people they know at all times then that will be a good starting point for our stretched resources,' said the detective. 'Obviously if the killers were really being helpful they could draw an arrow pointing to their name,' he said.
The final advice for victims is that the police would really appreciate victims booking an appointment for any violent crime. 'Just dialling 999 isn't going to cut it today,' said the detective. 'If we're not too busy or overstretched we might respond in a week or so, but if you schedule your killing up to six months in advance we can pretty well assure that we will arrive just as the killer is making a safe and secure getaway. We strongly recommend you book an ambulance at the same time - some killers are incredibly shoddy and you never know, you might survive long enough to not be seen by a trauma surgeon,' he pointed out.
Image: Newsbiscuit
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