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Council admits building cycle lanes purely for profit



West Limpley District Council has admitted to creating 23 miles of cycle lanes in order to save money. The council has previously been praised for its commitment to active travel (walking and cycling), but it now seems that the real motive was purely financial.


A council spokesman said that the road maintenance budget had been under great pressure. The transport department had suggested that cycle lanes would be cheaper to maintain as bicycles cause less wear and tear than cars and trucks. Changing existing roads into cycle lanes was forecast to yield some small savings on resurfacing and repairs, spread over many years.


The council then realised that it could install enforcement cameras, and fine drivers who strayed into the cycle lanes. Having issued fines totalling over £60,000 on the first day for one single cycle lane camera, the council knew it was onto a winner. In the next three months, it created 23 miles of cycle lanes and installed 300 enforcement cameras. It now has an enormous income from fines, which it is using to increase Councillors’ expense allowances. And to spend on social care. Probably.


Cycling groups are unimpressed. They say that the cycle lanes are in the wrong places, don’t join up and don’t help people out of cars and onto bikes. The council’s response is that (a) they don’t care, because the money is rolling in, and (b) that it’s difficult to take anyone seriously when they are wearing that much lycra.




Driving laws that remain unchanged for 2022



January 1st 2022 saw a slew of new driving laws come into place, including making it illegal to use your mobile phone whilst at the wheel, and giving cyclists more rights on the road. But many driving rules haven't changed at all - here Newsbiscuit helpfully sets out 6 immutable laws of the highway: 1. Audi drivers do not need to give way at any junction. Ever. Since the 1980s, as soon as the keys are handed over to any Audi driver, they have gained automatic exemption from stopping at a junction, and can instead, just accelerate out into a busy road without even a cursory glance left or right, leaving others to slam on their brakes and shout out an inevitable 'tosser' into the ether. 2. Lorry drivers only engage with other lorry drivers on motorways. That warm glow you get when a fellow driver thanks you with a left-right-left of their indicators after you've let them know with a double light flash that its safe for them to move back to the inside lane after passing you? Don't expect it from a lorry driver unless you're driving a vehicle yourself that weighs more than 10 tonnes, preferably one with some neon lighting behind the drivers' seat spelling out a quirky name like 'Roadrunner' or 'Truckers' Luck'. Instead, if you're a car driver, expect to see plenty of passive-aggressive behaviour from lorry drivers, including getting so close behind you that they could reach out and grab one of the boiled sweets sat beside you in the tray near your handbrake. 3. Failure to thank another driver for letting you through on a busy road remains a criminal offence. They've stopped to let you through for godsakes. Even though the parked car that is blocking part of the road is on YOUR side of the road, and they're coming up a hill. Not giving them a quick wave, and silently mouthing 'thank you' whilst looking them straight in the eye, should frankly have a minimum tariff in jail of 5 years. The exception is BMW 5-series drivers, whose lobotomies have left them unable to express empathy or social niceties of any kind. 4. If you overshoot by 1p dispensing petrol at the pump, you must continue up to the next £ up. Even though card and contactless devices means any combination of pound and pence can be paid for, are you really going to go through the walk of shame into the shop and face the cashier knowing that you have a petrol ejaculation problem? No, of course you aren't. now get back to pump 3 and have another go, loser. 5. It is compulsory to express incredulity at the prices in service stations and to wonder at the underlying business model. One pound bas*ard 45p for a double decker!! One pound 45! Ideally you should try and do a back of the envelope calculation about average spend per customer, and to speculate animatedly with whoever you are with about how many people just go in there for a piss without buying anything at all. 6. If there are 2 lanes of cars stopped at traffic lights and you are at the front in one of the lanes, you have to start humming the Formula 1 theme tune and rev your engine slightly, giving a quick glance across to the driver in the next lane, even if you have the slowest hunk of junk for a car around. It remains good practice to inch forward together in anticipation of the lights changing, before stalling your own car unceremoniously when lights go green. 7. You must pretend you know what your mechanic is talking about when they run through the results of your annual service with you, even though you literally have no idea. Rusty wheel arch fender? Got it, yep, I know that's a common problem on this model. Unexpected alternator voltage spikes - of course, hope you can despike them for me.




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