Trump blames diversity for the lack of diversity

Having blamed all of America's ills on disabled parking and gender neutral cup holders, the President explained that the real reason we had so few minorities in The White House was checks notes because we have so many minorities in The White House. According to Trump, an excess of Mexicans had led to a bottleneck at The White House gates, making it impossible for fellow Mexicans to come in, so they could be deported in an orderly fashion.

He further elaborated, that plane collisions were caused by Woke air traffic controllers, the AI stock crash was the result of taking the knee and the Ukraine War could have been avoided if Ukraine had not been so busy with pronoun badges.

Through a series of hastily worded Tweets, Trump made it clear that Cancel Culture was forcing him to ban certain groups. Affirmative Action was really Negative. And the Me Too Movement was just asking for it.

Exclusive: Cindersuella - The Pantomime

Band strikes up

Curtain rises

Stage lights up

Cindersuella walks on, in designer rags singing “I’ll send the planes down to Africa” (by Toto)

Cindersuella: Hi Boys and Girls!

Audience: Booo!

Cindersuella: Arrest these wokerati, PC Plod, their hate speech is causing a disturbance!

PC Plod: Oh, no it isn't!

Cindersuella: Oh yes it is!

PC Plod ignores Cindersuella and walks off whistling “You don’t own me" (by Lesley Gore)

Cindersuella: I’m so tired of being Stay at Home Secretary. My ugly sisters, Maybotta and Lettucia have gone to Number 10. Why do I never get to go?

She starts to cry, then stops.

I know! I’ll make a wish and send it to my friend Rupert in Nutwood. Maybe he can help me.

Twinkly music then suddenly a raspberry sound.

O Bugger, I used the wrong messenger!

Hears a voice from off-stage (“Oyez, Oyez, Cindersuella wants to go to Number 10!”)

Now, I’ll be punished again. I’ll have to disinfect Bibi Stockholm and I’ll never get to Number 10.

She starts to cry.

Suddenly, there is a flash and a woman with a wand and in a brightly coloured costume appears.

Fairy Godmother: You shall go to Number 10!

C: Who are you? How did you get past security?

FG: I’m your Fairy Godmother, Cinders.

C: What’s one of those?

FG: I’m like a magic guardian

C: We want nothing to do with the Guardian here!

FG: No, I’ve come to help you…. with a powerful spell

C: Better be a good one - my last spell in the Home Office only lasted 6 weeks.

More twinkly music and a song from the FG.

C: Just a minute, did you say “Salagadoola mechicka boola bibbidi-bobbidi-boo”? That’s not English! Do you have leave to stay here? Show me your passport!

FG: Help, it’s a fairy cop. I’m orf!

FG disappears as scene changes

C: Wow, boys and girls, here I am now in Number 10. Just like magic, the PM has asked me. Actually, where is he right now?

Audience: He’s right behind you!

C: Oh no he isn’t!

Audience: Oh yes he is!

Rishi: Oh, no I’m not [theatrically winks at the audience]

C: Aren’t you in the wrong pantomime, Rishi Poshi. This isn’t Aladdin! Although, you certainly look like “a lad in” those shorts.

Rishi: They’re not shorts, Suella, and ….. NEITHER AM I!

Audience: Ha Ha Ha!

C: There are some things I’m going to change, once I’m here. I don’t like the way the floor seems to be moving, for a start!

Rishi: It’s my “live tiles” choice, Cinders.

C: Why have you started calling me "Cinders"?

Rishi: It’s what’s left of your career. You’re fired!

Cindersuella begins to cry

Maybotta & Lettucia: Don't cry, Cinders. You can always get a job at Grimm Brothers News.

C: Oh yes! I could use it as a springboard for my next leadership bid. After all, most of the people here in Fantasy Land agree with me…

Audience begins to cry.

Photo by Cyrus Crossan on Unsplash

Newly-discovered planet is 'safe'

The government is currently drafting a law declaring that a recently-discovered, 259,000 light-year-distant planet, described as a bare rock 'about half the size of that square bit of land sticking out of the left-hand side of England, covered in sheep' and which is 5,000 degrees hot, has seas full of hydrofluoric acid and an atmosphere of chlorine, is 'a safe, convenient and democratically-governed location to which unauthorised would-be immigrants may be lawfully accommodated while awaiting a decision on whether or not they are entitled to permanent residence in the UK.

'Of course it's a sensible choice,' a government spokes-bot declared 'which will deter the literally dozens of unauthorised would-be immigrants flooding to Britain every year in dangerous, ramshackle home-made clockwork flying saucers.

'And no-one need worry about logistical considerations regarding the plante's remote location.  Guests will have plenty of time to get there, have a nice relaxing break and then, if deemed admissible, eventually make their way  back to these shores, before Britain's immigration authorities have come anywhere near to making any kind of decision - about anything.'

Photo by Arnaud Mariat on Unsplash