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Exclusive: Cindersuella - The Pantomime




Band strikes up


Curtain rises


Stage lights up


Cindersuella walks on, in designer rags singing “I’ll send the planes down to Africa” (by Toto)


Cindersuella: Hi Boys and Girls!


Audience: Booo!


Cindersuella: Arrest these wokerati, PC Plod, their hate speech is causing a disturbance!


PC Plod: Oh, no it isn't!


Cindersuella: Oh yes it is!


PC Plod ignores Cindersuella and walks off whistling “You don’t own me" (by Lesley Gore)


Cindersuella: I’m so tired of being Stay at Home Secretary. My ugly sisters, Maybotta and Lettucia have gone to Number 10. Why do I never get to go?


She starts to cry, then stops.


I know! I’ll make a wish and send it to my friend Rupert in Nutwood. Maybe he can help me.


Twinkly music then suddenly a raspberry sound.


O Bugger, I used the wrong messenger!


Hears a voice from off-stage (“Oyez, Oyez, Cindersuella wants to go to Number 10!”)


Now, I’ll be punished again. I’ll have to disinfect Bibi Stockholm and I’ll never get to Number 10.


She starts to cry.


Suddenly, there is a flash and a woman with a wand and in a brightly coloured costume appears.


Fairy Godmother: You shall go to Number 10!


C: Who are you? How did you get past security?


FG: I’m your Fairy Godmother, Cinders.


C: What’s one of those?


FG: I’m like a magic guardian


C: We want nothing to do with the Guardian here!


FG: No, I’ve come to help you…. with a powerful spell


C: Better be a good one - my last spell in the Home Office only lasted 6 weeks.


More twinkly music and a song from the FG.


C: Just a minute, did you say “Salagadoola mechicka boola bibbidi-bobbidi-boo”? That’s not English! Do you have leave to stay here? Show me your passport!


FG: Help, it’s a fairy cop. I’m orf!


FG disappears as scene changes


C: Wow, boys and girls, here I am now in Number 10. Just like magic, the PM has asked me. Actually, where is he right now?


Audience: He’s right behind you!


C: Oh no he isn’t!


Audience: Oh yes he is!


Rishi: Oh, no I’m not [theatrically winks at the audience]


C: Aren’t you in the wrong pantomime, Rishi Poshi. This isn’t Aladdin! Although, you certainly look like “a lad in” those shorts.


Rishi: They’re not shorts, Suella, and ….. NEITHER AM I!


Audience: Ha Ha Ha!


C: There are some things I’m going to change, once I’m here. I don’t like the way the floor seems to be moving, for a start!


Rishi: It’s my “live tiles” choice, Cinders.


C: Why have you started calling me "Cinders"?


Rishi: It’s what’s left of your career. You’re fired!


Cindersuella begins to cry


Maybotta & Lettucia: Don't cry, Cinders. You can always get a job at Grimm Brothers News.


C: Oh yes! I could use it as a springboard for my next leadership bid. After all, most of the people here in Fantasy Land agree with me…


Audience begins to cry.


Photo by Cyrus Crossan on Unsplash

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