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Pulling hair, Chinese burns and Kiss Chase to be banned say FA


An FA disciplinary panel has said hair pulling, Chinese burns and Kiss Chase should not be tolerated and will be considered a bookable offence during the 2026-27 season


The panel stopped short of banning other childish games and pastimes but warned playground pursuits such as British Bulldogs and Hop Scotch could eventually be included to the list if they started creeping into the game..


A spokesman for the FA said that the pulling of hair was an ‘infringement’ and players needed to get a grip and show bit more style.


‘It is curtains for hair pulling’ said Jason Beesley ‘we can’t just comb over the incident like some pageboy pompadour. Players need to shape up before they blow out….hair pulling used to be on the fringes but this season there seems to have been an extension.


We dread locks of hair being pulled out and ending up as highlights on Match of the Day.


Players need to mullet over before they are caught bangs to right….


Obviously there are exceptions….any player caught pulling Cole Palmers hair will automatically receive a free pudding of their choice.


If he finds that hairstyle acceptable then we at the FA think pulling it is acceptable.

Match of the Day institutes “Dive of the month” competition



Long running football highlights show Match of the Day announced today that it’s supplementing its famous “Goal of the month” competition with another one to find the month’s best dive ie where a player convinces the referee he’s been fouled in order to win a penalty. 


“Scoring goals from open play is obviously an important part of football,” said presenter Mark Chapman today. “But increasingly so is the carefully crafted dive. It’s no easy matter to convince the ref you were genuinely trying to score when a defender cynically brought you down, especially these days when VAR should make it impossible to con match officials this way. “So we thought it was time to recognise the tremendous work done by certain individuals in this area.”


However, critics have pointed out that there can hardly be any suspense when it’s obvious Liverpool will win every month, the only question being which of their forwards spends the most time needlessly horizontal in the opposing box.


A trial run of the competition in January 2025 initially put Mohammed Salah marginally ahead of Cody Gakpo, Darwin Nuñez and Diogo Jota, until close examination of match footage revealed that on one occasion a defender genuinely did make contact with Salah, and he went down for a valid reason.


”I’d never have believed it,” said Chapman, “but if you slow the footage down, you can see it clearly. Shame - it would have been a contender for dive of the season.”




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