Tom Daley has added to his medal haul with an exceptional performance in London’s submerged, rat-infested tube stations.
The British aquatic sport’s poster boy excelled in the brand new event that was introduced to take full advantage of Climate Change induced flash-flooding wherever it occurs.
Despite a packed station at Elephant and Castle, Daley saw off a late surge from the Chinese divers and dazzled judges with his trademark pike, which he managed to execute from a potentially dangerous static escalator.
However, the young diving wonder was left distraught after discovering that his Oyster Card was completely soggy and is no longer recognised by the purpose-built scanning devices.
“Naturally, I’m delighted to come first, especially after finding that jumping into water in a graceful fashion was having an adverse effect on my modelling career,” Daley told reporters as excess rainwater dripped from his muscular torso and the wind from a passing storm tossed his lustrous head of hair.
“My reverse tailspin off the roof of temporarily closed Pret a Manger had the judges salivating, not that you could tell due to the sheer volume of floodwater.”
“But to receive a perfect score of ten from the buskers was a career highlight. That said, they did do a pretty shit cover of Wonder Wall and I wasn’t going to part with my hard-won change for any fucker.”
“I just hope I can repeat this amazing feat when anthropogenic global warming exceeds two degrees C, the Hammersmith Line reaches saturation point and Londoners’ commutes are regularly interrupted by taciturn floating corpses.”
On what was widely touted as a fantastic day for Team GB, Daley and partner Matty Lee’s success was not without a sour note.
The super-tanned, lithe embodiment of all that is wholesome about water added:
“Sadly, I’ve been fined £250 for performing a triple forward splash without a valid ticket to Tottenham Court Road.”