'Big Dog has shit on the carpet once too often’ says Tory donor

A Big Dog kept at 10 Downing Street by Tory donors has shit on the carpet once too often said one of its owners.

Speaking from his home in Monaco, Russian billionaire Sergi Merkatz - who owns several properties across London - criticised the dog for leaving yet another putrid stench festering on the Downing Street carpet.

Mr.Merkatz said the old dog was no longer able to carry out simple commands or come to heel when ordered to by its masters and so the time had come to replace the mutt with a dog that knew how to behave.

‘We were prepared to overlook the indiscriminate humping, the daily arse licking, the constant need for attention….but not understanding basic commands is the last straw. If I throw something on the Cabinet table then I expect the dog to fetch it for me….if I tell him to roll over I expect him to do it without question.

I haven’t donated £1.2m to the Tory party just to watch this incontinent dog shitting everywhere….. they need to clean up his mess and get a dog that realises who its masters are.

It is time to have the old dog put down'.

Golden Retriever Dog Isolated - Free photo on Pixabay

Dog perfectly aware he's a good boy

Rusty, a three-year-old Yorkshire terrier from Esher, has confirmed that he is now completely convinced of his intrinsic moral decency. The breakthrough came after his owner, Hannah Morrison, 43, had repeatedly assured him he was ‘a good boy, a good boy, a good caking GOOD GOOD goooooood boy’.

‘Trust me, I’m up to speed on this one,’ said Rusty. ‘I freely admit I’m not very bright – the highlights of my day are licking that cocker spaniel from down the road’s pee from off a leaf and the erection I get when I crank out a particularly steamy turd, but I could hardly not be aware of this one after hearing her tell me I’m a ‘lover-ly LOVER-LY little tinker’ at least five times a day every day since she ripped me off my mum’s teats in that nice warm barn. FFS.’

During Morrison’s period of ownership, Rusty’s basic goodness and cleverness levels have continued to rise almost uninterruptedly. Starting out as a ‘little tiny stinky bundle of cuddles’, by the end of his first three months he had attained ‘oooeeeez such a BRIGHT little sausage’ status. Although she could no longer ‘eat him all up’ by the time he was fully grown, Morrison remains convinced that he is her ‘perfect little dog-alog-alog-alog’.

‘Sometimes I’ve wondered if she was just saying it all just to make herself believe it,’ admitted Rusty. ‘So, I tried, in so far as one who greets his friends by licking their bottoms is capable of evaluating such abstract philosophical concepts as good and evil, to test if any empirical evidence to the contrary would shake her certainties, but they didn’t, so it must be true. I didn’t shag those curtains for fun, you know.’

The breakthrough in communication that has shown Rusty to be a good boy is being hailed as a giant step in biology, especially since Morrison is now holding a dog chew above his head and asking ‘Ooooeeeez a greedy, greedy little mutt? A GREEDY little MUTT’, while he lies there alternately whimpering, barking and dragging his groin across the kitchen floor.

‘Actually, I’d prefer some day-old rabbit droppings,’ added Rusty, ‘but you don’t like to disappoint people, do you?’

Image: Pixabay/Josch13

Owner wins plaudits for blaming own dog over unprovoked attack

The owner of a so-called ‘dangerous dog’ has won plaudits on all sides for being the first to admit his dog was at fault when it attacked a man in the park who was innocently minding his own business.

Bernard Potts said: ‘I was walking towards the lake on my way to feed the ducks when, Satan, an eight stone Rottweiler, spotted me and came charging up with his teeth bared, slavering in a crazed manner pinning me to the ground.

He then explained Satan’s owner, 20 year-old Dale Marston, was most apologetic asking: ‘Are you all right? I’m so sorry. I don’t know why he did that. Mind you, he's fucking mental and has a shocking vicious streak. He sometimes scares the shit out of me.’

But despite the terrifying ordeal Bernard has nothing but praise for Dale. ‘He never once told me it was my fault. That Satan never usually behaves that way, or insisted I was probably attacked because I had made a sudden move frightening the soppy old sod, who'd normally be more likely to lick me to death.'

photo: Manuchi @ Pixabay