US presidential candidates allowed to give age in dog years to avoid sounding too old

Washington has finally found a way around the problem of the embarrassing number of octogenarians jostling to become the next resident of the White House. With assistance from the American Kennel Club, each geriatric candidate has been assigned a new canine age.

Congressman Winthrop Stoad III of Georgia, 94, has just entered the contest as a 31-year-old. 'It helps people forget that I've been in Congress since 1948 and voted for Jim Crow laws right through the 1950s,' he explains.

However, candidate Senator Bill Wilks of Massachusetts, 38, is not happy: 'My new age is 10 and my campaign manager has just been arrested for child trafficking.'

Joe Biden is also having problems adjusting to being caninised. 'He's taking the whole dog thing too seriously,' complains one of his aides. 'I wish he'd stop barking and trying to hump my leg.'

Shakespeare can’t decide what name to give his dog…

Man whose dog ate Cup Final tickets lives cliché-filled life

A Newcastle fan who found that his Carabao Cup final tickets had been eaten by his dog has a history of clichéd reasons for stuff going wrong.

Arnold Milk said he had been looking forward to a trip to Wembley and had even bought a new alarm clock to sit alongside the one that unfortunately fails to go off whenever he has a morning appointment.

Mr Milk admitted that during his schooldays, he regularly left his homework on the bus, and he once lost his PE kit when a big boy took it and ran away.

At work, Arnold rarely completes his actions on time due to supplier issues caused by Brexit. He has also had quite a few days off to attend his grandmother’s funeral due to his grandfather having been married five times.

Mr Milk still hopes to go to the game after the Club offered to print replacement tickets, provided they can overcome some ongoing IT issues.

www.newsbiscuit.com