Retired police dog looking for part-time job to supplement his pension

A fearless police dog who has been pensioned off is concerned that his pension will be insufficient to meet the cost of living and is looking for another job.

The dog, Quantum, told Newsbiscuit that he had been looking forward to taking it easy when he retired, but with fuckwits in charge of the economy in a cost of living crisis, he is worried he will be unable to heat his kennel this winter unless he finds another income stream.

When asked what type of job he was looking for, he said "Well I thought I might try computing. With a name like mine, I ought to be able to blag my way into it. After all, you only need to have Eton on your CV to get on in politics, even if you know sod all about how to run a country."

www.newsbiscuit.com

Pavlov Undogged

Ever since Pavlov's dog experiments discovered conditioned reflexes, educationalists and animal trainers have wondered how to speed up learning. Now a ground-breaking experiment is underway to see how quickly something can be unlearnt.

Albert Einstein (no relation) had an Archimedes moment when his kitchen pedal bin broke. 'I didn't run down the road naked,' he admitted, 'but I did think this could make for an intriguing experiment. Now, when I stand on the pedal, nothing happens until I bend and use the handy tab I've taped to the lid. The big question is, how long before I stop standing on that useless pedal, waiting for the lid to lift?'

'My wife is doing the same so another question is which of us will unlearn first. I expect to win, but if she gets there first I'll just say it's because she uses the bin more than I do.'

Dogs at Polling Stations mortified by Tory owners

Cuddly and sad-faced pooches have been photographed being adorable at polling places up and down the country as local election fever grips almost no-one at all.

One golden retriever, who suspects his owner is a Tory voter, woofed ‘I used to think an exit poll was a particularly unpleasant bowel movement, but when my owner can’t meet my eye after voting, I sense his Tory shame. As a dog, deliberate NHS underfunding and a slide towards privatisation have no bearing on me at all. But how many humans look at that and think 'I will never be ill or die – the Tories seem fine to me'. Maybe they admire the naked corruption and raw incompetence? Kay Burley said there was sadness in my eyes. The Tories are the reason why, although I will say I’m in favour of how many dead cats they produce.’

Image from Pixabay by Birgl

https://pixabay.com/photos/dog-golden-retriever-puppy-small-4671215/