Boris to turn UK into giant Peppa Pig World

Having admitted his love for the children’s porcine favourite and the Hampshire Park she inhabits, Boris Johnson has said his intention is to turn all of the UK into a giant Peppa Pig World with fun and levelling up for all the family.

Speaking incoherently to a group of business leaders Boris said there was so much potential. “I know I’ve told a few porkies in my time, but this could really save my bacon. Daddy Pig’s Car Ride. What about it? I’ll tell you. It shows us the way forward. No more noisy brrrm brrrm. We save the planet at 5 mph on thousands of miles of electric track. Whoosh! Then we can ditch HS2 and give Grandpa Pig the train franchise. Choo! Choo! And then Peppa can join my team at Number 10. Probably a swine to work with but an upgrade on Cummings.”

At that point the PM lost his place, uttered something about trotting off, and walked straight into a broom cupboard. Asked for a comment, Keir Starmer said “And pigs might fly. This is a non-starter if it simply means more Tory snouts in the trough.”

image from pixabay

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Prince Harry publishing memoirs, in case we've forgotten about his stuff

After releasing a string of interviews, documentaries and filmed psychotherapy sessions about himself over the past year, Prince Harry has announced he will shortly be publishing his memoirs, entitled "Flogging A Dead Horse".

"The book will tell the public, for the tenth time over, how I went from being a confused, mixed-up kid to finding true purpose and happiness in my life, thanks to Meghan," said Harry at a press conference in Montecito as he cast terrified glances at his wife.

"I realise this takes quite a bit of explaining," he continued, "because up until a few years ago I was a happy, outgoing young guy and many people's favourite royal whereas now I am a miserable, self-obsessed shadow of my former self who is seemingly eaten up by anger and resentment. That all goes to show you the benefits of top-dollar psychotherapy, and having the love of a woman like Meghan."

Prince Harry is not the only man in the news to be writing his memoirs. Dominic Cummings will shortly be releasing an autobiography called "Flogging A Dead Boris" in which he tells us, for the tenth time over, that the prime minister is a vacuous, dead-brained puppet and that Carrie had no right to stop him pulling the strings.

Let Freedom Ring by Covid-19

Today is the day.

Today, at last, this freedom-loving nation can cast off the shackles of lockdown, escape the clutches of oppressive government diktat, and taste the sweet nectar of fresh Covid particles.

Since the earliest days of the pandemic, down the brutal halls of Westminster, blackened by the fires of deceit and the searing coals of obfuscation…I have waited.

Since eighteenscore months ago, when Dominic Cummings first called for herd immunity, I have waited for the promise of this nation to be kept.

This promise was a vow that all viruses would be guaranteed the unimpeachable rights of life, liberty and the pursuit of the clinically vulnerable.

Millions have hidden in their homes, or gagged themselves with cloth masks in shops, in a rare period of public spiritedness and fortitude.

To this I say: never again!

So today, let freedom ring.

Let freedom ring down on the London underground, where passengers breathe particulates over one another with the force of a thousand hurricanes.

Let freedom ring on Chequers, where poor Boris Johnson is humiliatingly trapped at home.

Let freedom ring on the schools and the poorest communities where all our unvaccinated lie.

Let freedom ring.

From the busiest aisles of Tesco to the crumbling care homes of Chichester. From the heaving clubs of Soho to the pubs of Penzance, hear my rallying cry:-

Free at last, free at last, thank Boris almighty, I am free at last!

I had a dream that one day my variants and my variants’ variants would be able to sit down together at the table of a Wetherspoons in Stoke and mix freely with the public.

And that dream came true today.