Updated: Jan 1
The government has scrapped the HS2 high-speed rail line and intends to replace it with a network of water slides. The Prime Minister announced that this would mean faster travel times between all major UK towns and cities at least 5 years earlier than planned. Travellers will be provided with towels at former railway stations and there will be vending machines providing commuters with goggles, hot drinks, Frazzles, and those rubber socks for in case you catch a verruca.
Labour has accused the Government of reneging on their election promises but a Minister for the Department Transport told us Labour were just jealous. “Our water slides will be environmentally friendly, compared to other means of transport, and many jobs will be created in water proof ticket sales and employing people with big rubber-tipped sticks to stop any fatties getting stuck in the pipes and clogging the system.”
During PMQs, Mr Johnson refused to comment on rumours that the East Midlands-Leeds high-speed line would not be upgraded to water slides but will be just a regular log flume built on the current railway lines.