Trump eager to take over running of Venezuela's dictatorship

'President Trump is really looking forward to misgoverning another country,' said a spokes-anschluss for the White House.

'Venezuela was already a cruel and repressive dictatorship run for the ruler's benefit, so in many ways his work there is done.

'All that remains is to rebrand the presidential palace as the 'Trump Caracas' and call the capital's grimmest shanty town 'Trump Favela', and then the President will lose interest and give up.

'But if that liberal snowflake opposition leader Maria Corina Machado ever dares return to Venezuela from Norway, he'll jail her for beating him to the Nobel Peace Prize and blame Obama.

'Why does Trump want to be the autocratic ruler of every country he can annex?' continued the spokes-camp guard, in answer to a question from Colditz News Network.

'We believe it's because he never had a train set as a kid and since then, he's wanted to be the Fat Controller of everything he can lay his tiny fingers on - women and countries.'

A statement from the nonsensically miffed Nicolas Maduro said 'I thought dictatorship and election-rigging, crude oil and cocaine were things Trump and I both loved. The ex-President of Honduras just got a pardon for the same thing that I'm clearly going to be Epstein-ed for. If Trump wanted a play date, why didn't he just ask.'

Image: Leonardo Guillen (@leoguillen) | Unsplash Photo Community

Trump finds Fentanyl in Greenland

Much to the concern of Denmark, the US is set to designate Greenland as a rogue terrorist state, which is one threat level below 'country that has oil'. Accusing Greenland of drug production is usually a precursor to invading or 'freedomizing' as the CIA call it.

Greenland will become the 53rd state, after Venezuela and Jeffrey Epstein's sex island. The indigenous people will be preserved in the same way native Americans were - so probably in pickle.

Greenland is very lucky that democracy is coming to them, despite already being a democracy, but this type of democracy comes with no universal health care. Said one General: 'If we don't find Fentanyl, our Big Pharma will bring its own.'

Image: Barni1 - Pixabay

Living in the Matrix? Or just an international version of Risk?

Conspiracy theorists are starting to doubt their core beliefs that JFK was murdered by the CIA, aliens run Centerparcs and that the Matrix was a kiss and tell story based on reality.

'Hasbro have played a long game,' said a leading conspiracy theorist, noting that the board game Risk actually does tend to go on a bit. 'We're all bit part players in the a global version of Risk, with Russia not noticing that Ukraine swapped the red dice for loaded versions that always end up on a one or two. Trump is, predictably, throwing seventeen dice each throw instead of the usual three when attacking, and he's hidden the Greenland card under the board so nobody can see it until he decides to have a go,' he added.

If Trump gets the US, Canada and Greenland and holds them for a full game turn they get an extra two hundred thousand soldiers at the start of the next round, which to be fair they'll need when they roll their dice at Venezuela.

Image: omid roshan (@oommiidd) | Unsplash Photo Community