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A meticulously-maintained machine is the new target of US President Donald Trump and his mission to make everything better. According to the White House, President Trump will fix the model of reliability so that it’s the most reliable machine ever seen, whereas President Barack HUSSEIN Obama only made the machine operate like clockwork. Under the same policy, clocks that work like clockwork will also be mended.


There is reportedly no need to invite any qualified organisations to bid for the work as President Trump is very familiar with plenty of cowboy outfits through his love of Westerns. And the price will be the best price, to be negotiated personally by Trump with no regard to personal gain whatsoever.


When the job is complete, a huge celebration is planned to recognise the achievements. The well-oiled machine which previously operated without a hitch will now be claimed to work even better with a hitch installed. The credit for this will be given to the President who will rightly claim he should be given a prize.


However, should the machine appear to become less reliable, any suggestion that the hitch was unnecessarily introduced will be rigorously denied. Should those rumours persist, the suggestion that the work was sabotaged will be initially floated, then forcefully stated and finally reinforced through threats.


And those who attempt to draw parallels between the well-oiled machine and the American economy or International Relations or the Strait of Hormuz or the Reflecting Pool will be similarly threatened.




that Italian leader Merloni begged be taken of them together was taken on board the Flying Dutchman, crewed by unicorns,  on 19th June as they sailed through the Strait of Hormuz, carrying a cargo of invisible moonbeams to Mars.


The veracity of this assertion has been immediately and  irrefutably confirmed by the US president's description of it as 'FACT', evidence which as been totally accepted by the world's entire news media.




After an Apache AH-64 crashed into the Washington Monument whilst strafing the algae with it’s 30mm chain cannon, the USA agreed to a cease fire and reparations to the algae in the Reflecting Pool.


ICE Agents had initially been instructed to detain and then send the menace back to Algeria. After repeated attempts to cuff the algae and beat it with truncheons, ICE had to retreat when agents electrocuted themselves whilst trying to TASER some of the unicellular organisms.


A SWAT team was called in, who then fired indiscriminately into the pool, wounding several of the photosynthetic organisms and a passer-by. The algae remained stoic and unmoved, causing the SWAT to request the National Guard. It was at this point after releasing all 16 Hellfire missiles into the pool the Apache smashed into the Washington Monument and Trump declared victory.


The full terms of the so-called Peace Deal are that the algae will retain control of the pond and be supplied with $300,000,000,000 worth of nitrogen and phosphorus and be guaranteed to sunlight.



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