Doom 101

An Open Letter to anyone who agrees with me.

The world is on the cusp of annihilation and I feel this must be addressed.

All the world leaders are pre-occupied with their own personal agendas at the moment. Donald Trump is trying to expand the United Empire of America, Vladimir Putin is trying to expand the Soviet Reunion, Xi Jinping has given up trying to find a volcano in London for his base/embassy, so is building one instead, and Keir Starmer is on the latest leg of his Deer-Lost-In-The-Headlights tour. Which means that no one is paying any attention to the Doomsday Clock, the thing that encourages everyone to think about Armageddon.

The Doomsday Clock shows how close the world is to nuclear war, thus Armageddon, thus Doomsday. When it is set at 9 o’clock, everything is all rainbows and unicorns. When it hits 12, all life on earth goes to join the unicorns in the world of extinction. However, there are many issues with the Doomsday Clock.

1. It’s not a clock. It is one quarter of a clock, displaying 9, 10, 11, and 12. 'The Doomsday Quarter of a Clock' would be a better name.

2. The Doomsday Quarter of a Clock has no gubbins. It has no cogs, no pendulum, no ticky bits or tocky bits. It is just a quarter of a clock face. And it has only one hand. The hour hand.

3. The hand on the Doomsday Quarter of a Clock is moved by a person, which is FAR too much power for any one person to wield. What if they have turned up for work and somebody has stolen their parking space? What if they have overslept and haven’t had a proper cup of tea? What if they have had to drive aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall the way to work behind a ruddy cyclist?

So, bearing all of this in mind, here is my four-step plan to prevent the end of the world.

1. STOP MOVING THE HAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. Someone completely trustworthy should move the hand back down to 9 o’clock

3. Lock the Doomsday Quarter of a Clock in a box

4. Launch the box containing the Doomsday Quarter of a Clock at the sun.

This would allow life to go on. And to go on harmoniously.

Thank you

Yours in justifiable terror

Lord Cumber Humberland of Chumbawumberland (Sr)

Image credit: perchance.org edited in WIX

Starstruck ICE stormtroopers flock to watch 'Melania'

The streets of Minneapolis were eerily quiet as ICE agents knocked off early from herding immigrants onto cattle trucks and executing citizens to go and watch the film 'Melania'.

'I read reviews of it in Rolling Stein magazine,' raved one ICE commandant, wearing a regulation brown shirt, jackboots and face scarf. 'They said it's the best propaganda film since Triumph of The Will.'

'Melania Knauss is America's Eva Braun!' gushed an ICE stormtrooper, equipped with a Mauser and coalscuttle helmet. 'She is a goddess! No mere mortal could wear that much mascara without going blind.'

Also packing out cinemas to see the pisspoor, tedious Melania documentary were students on a rag week.

'It's like the Rocky Horror Picture Show, but with a lead actress who can't act or sing, and has zero sense of humour, so it's hilarious!' sniggered one student.

'We throw rice at the screen and cry 'ah!' when Trump tries to kiss Melania at his inauguration, but gets blocked by her broad brimmed hat.'

In cities across the US, ICE agents have been deployed to force residents into cinemas at gunpoint to watch Melania.

'There's a high risk people will of boredom in there, but we don't care,' said an ICE ubergruppenfuhrer, who was barging an old lady towards the box office with an electric cattle prod.

'We must please the Fuhrer - I mean the President - by making sure that 'Melania' breaks all records in its first weekend, even if it deserves to be a miserable flop.'

'Heil Trump! Heil Knauss!' chanted the phalanx of Sturmabteilung behind him. 'Glory to the hit movie 'Melanoma'!'

Image credit: perchance.org

Trump deploys ICE agents to Iran for crowd control training

World-leading anti-Christ, Nobel Prize winner, and U.S. President Donald Trump has announced his beautiful ICE guys need 'elite international training' in the art of protest suppression.

Addressing a visibly confused press conference onboard Air Force One, Trump said America no longer set the gold standard in state-sanctioned brutality. 'The USA is the number one nation in history — but thanks to Biden, we’re slipping. We’re behind North Korea, we’re behind China, and we’re behind some place called Turkmenistan. I’ve never been there, nobody’s been there, but apparently they’re very good at killing their own people. Very tremendous numbers.'

Trump went on to criticise his own security forces for what he described as a 'pathetic performance'.

'Our guys have only killed thirty-two pro-Biden left-wing activists so far in custody. Thirty-two. And only one shot in the head. One! That’s not even trying. That’s like community policing. The Iranians? You step outside in Tehran, and you’re basically worm food in a box. That’s what you call leadership.'

The president concluded by unveiling what he called a 'historic new political movement'.

'If the Iranians, Xi, Turk-whatever and Putin can murder people indiscriminately, then frankly, #metoo.

Image credit: perchance.org