Parliamentary Standards Committee wants to see the gift card

The Parliamentary Standards Committee is investigating the gift of five million pounds to Nigel Farage, before he became an MP.

‘We want to see the card,’ said a pale functionary.  ‘In our view, the nature of the card, and the sentiments expressed in it, are critical to determining if the gift was personal or tantamount to a political donation.

‘For example, if the card says ‘Happy Birthday Nige!  I’ve transferred some birthday money into your Swiss account – go wild!’, then that sounds more personal.  But if the card says ‘Remittance, for services to be rendered in the future, five million quid, please acknowledge safe receipt and provide a VAT invoice’, then it sounds a bit more businessy.

If the card has a cake, or a balloon, or bottles of fizz on it, then again, it seems more of a personal thing.  If the card has a picture of an England flag, or Clacton, or small boats in the channel, then one would construe that as being more political.

It’s entirely possible that Nigel didn’t keep the card. If you receive that sort of money on a regular basis, I imagine that the whole thing becomes a bit mundane.

Image credit: Wix AI (edited)

Churchwardens struggling to keep Reform afloat

As news broke today that a part-time Churchwarden from Potters Bar has funnelled £200,000 into Reform in the last six months, the Churchwarden has spoken about the strain of finding the money to keep Reform UK Ltd afloat out of his non-existent salary.

'Nigel suggested it would be easy,' he said. 'After all, the Reform leader's girlfriend had managed to find nearly £1 million pounds to buy a house near Clacton, despite not having an income of any note.  I do some conveyancing,' he added, 'but I didn't get the Clacton gig.  'That would have made the donations so much easier.'

The Churchwarden is expected to make up some of the shortfall by advising on architectural landscaping, a subject he doesn't have any experience of.  'Apparently some foreign billionaire wants me to act as a consultant as long as I use the fee to help Reform out,' he said.

A Reform spokesman said Dear Leader would be able to help out with fundraising, if needed. 'He could arrange flowers on the occasional Sunday, as long as a photo-op was included.  And, of course, payment.  In crypto.' 

Image credit: perchance.org

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