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Following concerns that children's attention span since Covid is shorter than ever, the government has asked teachers to measure it.
Teachers are of the opinion it should be measured in Thick Planck Time, but the government believes zeptoseconds will be adequate as the Tory party doesn't have a donor that flogs equipment that measures Thick Planck Time. A pub landlord however, reckons he knows someone who talked to him about zeptoseconds and would be able to supply every primary school with zeptosecond chronometers.
One zeptosecond is 0.000 000 000 000 000 000 001 seconds. The chronometers do not work and the money is long gone.
Retailers are reporting a shortage of bunting ahead of the Queen's Platinum Jubilee festivities. The shortage appears due to the government buying up all the flags on the market to decorate No.10 with for the lockdown parties. Whilst some retailers have suggested that revellers could get their children to make some, the cost of printer ink is a deterrent. Grandparents Alf and Ada Higgins told us "We thought it would be a nice thing for the grandkids to do over the half term holiday and went to buy some printer ink, but there was no way we could run to those prices on our pensions and be able to afford a crate of brown ale to toast Her Majesty with as well. Tory donors have offered to help however, saying they can always be relied on in an emergency to order goods for government use. Pig farmers, ferry companies and fishermen have already stepped up to the plate.
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