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Steer clear of Cryme Regis this summer, warn cops

Dorset Police are telling tourists to avoid the formerly sedate coastal resort of Lyme Regis, warning it has become a blackspot for crime and disorder.


"Lyme Regis? Cryme Regis, more like," said a spokes-ASBO for Dorset Police. "Nowadays it's plagued by flying squads of hoodlums who operate in broad daylight on the seafront, knocking the chips out of people's hands and jabbing them repeatedly until an ambulance arrive.


"And that's just the seagulls.


"Plus they make a racket morning, noon and night, steal the catches from trawlers and hang around on seawalls, looking at our officers funny.


"We're so ashamed of the how rotten life has got in this royally-named town that we're ordering the local council to change the signposts to say Lyme Egregious, as a red flag to visitors to steer clear of the godforsaken dump."


image from pixabay

Dorset threatens to annex 'Wightland'


Tensions are rising along the south coast of England as Dorset prepares to claim the Isle of Wight as its own. Dorset County Council has denied sabre-rattling. However at a packed press conference a council spokesperson stated:-


“The Isle of Wight is vital for our security, and it is blatantly unable to defend itself against hostile actors. We have creditable information (supplied by the West Midlands Police ‘Intelligence’ Department) that the Island – or Wightland as we shall rename it – is under imminent threat from invasion by Hampshire, Sussex, and Kent. We also understand that Rutland is urgently looking for a warm-water port for their navy.


It is not true that we are only interested in the island’s vast mineral wealth. I mean how much chalk do you actually need? However we might be interested in some of the highly valuable rock deposits, although we may have some challenges with the wording in the middle, for example changing Shanklin to Swanage. And we are definitely not interested in the dinosaurs. We have enough of the old codgers who moved to Bournemouth to retire.”


However the spokesperson did admit that the county acquiring more coastline was an attractive proposition. “Sandbanks is one of the most expensive places in the country to live. If we could replicate this on Wightland we could drive council tax takings into the stratosphere. With the obvious benefits for education, social services, and Council Leaders salaries.......”




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