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Delay In Publishing Gray Report Just A Short Pause, While Hell Freezes Over


There have been calls from the Conservative back benches for an enquiry into why it the Met so long to initiate an investigation into the long delay in anyone calling for a report into the reasons why Her Majesty's Opposition have been so slow in demanding a Civil-Service-led enquiry into the hesitation by the police to investigate the long hold-up in the publication of the result of a study by any official of the reasons why any investigation of the appropriateness of appointing Sue Gray as the civil servant to carry out her eponymous report was a legitimate course of action by the prime minister.


There has been no confirmation of reports that attendees of a series of strictly-business-only Downing St. meeting to discuss the progress of investigations into these delays played dance music, wore paper hats and were served alcoholic drinks, things-on-cocktail-sticks, sausage rolls, biscuits and even - wait for it - celebratory cake.




First published 29 Jan 2022


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Scooby Doo Gang to investigate Downing Street parties



In yet another twist to the Downing Street Parties Saga, it has been confirmed that Sue Gray has enlisted the help of the gang from Hanna Barbera's popular 1960s' cartoon series, Scooby Doo.


In an interview with the BBC, Ms Gray has admitted that she has recruited the high school sleuths to help in what is proving to be a perplexing mystery.


She told the BBC's Laura Kuenssberg, “The gang is ideal for this type of investigation. Fred has been building ghost traps all over the Downing Street garden, Velma has been on her hands and knees, looking for her glasses in a maze of corridors, Daphne has been kidnapped by Old Man Rees Mogg and Shaggy and Scooby have been eating all of the hors d'oeuvres and canapes from an old abandoned snack mine they discovered below the Downing Street cellars.”


Ms Gray continued, “We are quite sure that we will find out who instigated all of these parties."


So far she is remaining tight-lipped, but one of the main suspects is said to be Old Man Corbyn from the old, disused Opposition front benches.




First published 24 Jan 2022


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Survivors of Downing Street Parties found alive and well



Police and Ambulance services were called to Downing Street yesterday when two former Boris Johnson aids were found hiding in a cellar at No 10. Walking blinking into the light, having been in hiding since 2020, they had no idea that their leader had been deposed or that the Conservatives party had been decimated at a general election.


For now their identities are being kept secret until their families have been informed but one is believed to be the son of a prominent Essex Tory MP whose hobby is reliving the D day landings every forth Sunday of the month and the other a former Eton wet bob who was on a £50,000 a year work experience placement when the parties took place.


Questioned by Police, they explained that the Party invite specially said; do not get caught under any circumstances, capture or surrender is not an option, secrecy is paramount. Based on this, having taken refuge in the cellar after what they believed to be a police raid they would only sneak out at night and walked barefoot at all times. Unbeknown to them of course this was unnecessary as all the Police on duty at Downing Street at that time were all hearing impaired. With since admitted loud parties with Booze, music, singing and even an alleged fight, frequent occurrence under Boris Johnson, the Police on guard in another wise quiet empty street heard nothing.


The two, being hailed as heroes by the Daily Mail, described how they existed on scraps from the nearby kitchen and the massive amount of booze hidden in suitcases they had stashed in the cellars prior to the parties. Initially they also had a supply of Birthday cake but they estimate this ran out after a couple of months. A Police spokes person said that in view of the trauma they had already been though further action was unlikely.


Neither Conservative party central office nor Boris Johnson has yet to comment.




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