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Sue Gray report labels Boris a ‘total lightweight’


Sue Gray will report that Boris Johnson is a “lightweight” who “can’t handle his drink”, a leaked extract from her highly anticipated report reveals.


“Almost the entire nation turned drink to help them get through the horrors of lockdown,” the report will say. “Many people started to find excuses to drink earlier. I mean, I was on the gin shortly after lunch most days.


“Yet if we believe Boris, he only stayed at one party for half an hour and his birthday party was only ten minutes long. He is either lying or a total lightweight.”


Further damning evidence suggests that there was even one day when there wasn’t a party at Number 10, the report adds.


One backbench MP said the findings put Boris out of step with the rest of the parliamentary Conservative Party.


“Even before the pandemic, there was a drinking culture on the backbenches,” they said. “He has really let the side down this time. I’d write a letter of no confidence but to be honest, I’m a bit too pissed at the moment.”




First published 26 Jan 2022


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Scooby Doo Gang to investigate Downing Street parties



In yet another twist to the Downing Street Parties Saga, it has been confirmed that Sue Gray has enlisted the help of the gang from Hanna Barbera's popular 1960s' cartoon series, Scooby Doo.


In an interview with the BBC, Ms Gray has admitted that she has recruited the high school sleuths to help in what is proving to be a perplexing mystery.


She told the BBC's Laura Kuenssberg, “The gang is ideal for this type of investigation. Fred has been building ghost traps all over the Downing Street garden, Velma has been on her hands and knees, looking for her glasses in a maze of corridors, Daphne has been kidnapped by Old Man Rees Mogg and Shaggy and Scooby have been eating all of the hors d'oeuvres and canapes from an old abandoned snack mine they discovered below the Downing Street cellars.”


Ms Gray continued, “We are quite sure that we will find out who instigated all of these parties."


So far she is remaining tight-lipped, but one of the main suspects is said to be Old Man Corbyn from the old, disused Opposition front benches.




First published 24 Jan 2022


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Djokovic attended Downing Street lockdown party claim witnesses



The worlds much-loved number one tennis bellend is said to be amongst 370 people who attended the event in May 2020. The claim increases pressure on the worlds much-loved number one prime ministerial bellend. Mr Johnson says he can’t recall anything, can’t spell the word ‘party’ in any case, and strenuously denies even knowing who Djokovic is.


“Ah…um...well…jolly tricky all this. I did remember being introduced to some sporting chappie, but frankly, they all look the same after a couple of bottles of vintage Dom Perignon.’


A Downing Street spokesman denied that any rules had been broken apart from the ones that were: ‘There’s nothing in the rules to say that Mr Djokovic, who wasn’t here, by the way, cannot play tennis with senior cabinet ministers, who also weren’t here. There is also no truth in the spurious rumours that Prince Andrew, who didn't attend, served canapes, or that Melania Trump, who also wasn’t here, was fired out of a canon. Mind you, it was pretty bloody spectacular, even though no one was here and nothing happened.’





First published 12 Jan 2022


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