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They think it’s been legalised... it has now


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Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst has been incredibly busy, collating the list of illegal things Boris Johnson has done, so that they can all be legalised.


'It's been hard work, but nowhere near as Torylicious as discussing with the PM the crimes he will commit in the future so we can legalise them ahead of time. It's like a reverse "Minority Report". Let me tell you, he has some wide ranging criminal appetites, some of them eye-wateringly sexual. I had to Google some of it, so I’m probably on a register now. I’ve been pulling all-nighters and occasionally vomiting on the walls, but not because of the booze this time.'


It is now illegal to be Keir Starmer whilst the only form of photo ID now acceptable for voting is a Conservative Party membership card. Burglary is legal if your MP is Labour whilst in Tory constituencies you can get various household items absolutely free, albeit second hand and with no receipts. Liberal Democrats can now be hunted with hounds, whilst an invasion of Scotland gets the green light, though to save money this will consist of seizing the - already English - town of Berwick-upon-Tweed and declaring total victory.


BoJo meanwhile has been preparing for the next Downing Street karaoke bash, busting out some Rasta sounds to perform a raunchy version of Shaggy's 'It wasn't me'. Hootington-Hurst noted 'His Jamaican lilt is, if anything, more racist than you imagine.'



First published 1 June 2022



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WWF place Conservative MPs on endangered species list

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Despite a definite proclivity for procreation, Conservative MPs are believed to be seriously in decline.  While more than 300 are currently known to be in the wild, it is expected that within less than two years there may only be a handful left roaming the corridors of Westminster.  As a result the World Wildlife Fund has declared the Conservative MP to be an endangered species.



'Support the WWF and all the good work they do,' implored one of the few surviving Conservative MPs.  'Donate £3 a month to the WWF to help them continue to campaign and whatever else it is they do with the money.  If every voter in the land donated £3 a month to the WWF then they wouldn't need to run adverts with doe -eyed pandas ever again. Better still, donate it direct to the Conservative Party.  Yes, donate £3 a month to the Conservative Party, starting now.  Better still, make that £3 a day to the Conservative Party.  If every voter donated £3 to the Conservative Party I wouldn't have to worry about working ever again.  Better still, donate £3 a day to me, direct, in a brown envelope to save me worrying about tax,' he added.



A WWF spokesperson confirmed the endangered species element.  'No idea why they are becoming so rare,' he said.  



First published 26 May 2023



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Boris Johnson "now a role model for snarky teenagers"


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"We had anticipated that our studies would indicate that teenagers mimic the attitudes and standpoints of prominent social media users, reality television 'stars' and the like, so it has been highly unusual to see any political figure rate so highly in this study"


Keith Warsash, a psychologist specialising in behavioural development, has just completed an exhaustive internet study on role model markers amongst teenagers - and has been astonished to find that Boris Johnson is currently one of the key influencers.


Whilst scoring low, and even negative, values for his personal fashion sense, deportment and appearance, the Prime Minister has 'topped the leaderboard' for attitude and behavioural traits.


"We believe he has done so well in these areas through taking the teenage trifecta of 'I never', 'It's not my fault' and 'You're always picking on me' and elevating it to an art form." continued Keith.


"More astounding is that he has managed to maintain this triple defence well into his adult life, giving hope to teenagers everywhere that they too can carry that bubble of imperviousness into their later years, assuming no mantle of responsibility for anything as they go"


Keith has, however, been unable to confirm his findings in discussion with his 15 year old son, Jonah.


"When I spoke to him about this, all he did was mumble something under his breath, roll his eyes and storm off to his bedroom, pausing only to slam the kitchen door."


"Honestly, it was just like watching PM's Question Time" said an exasperated Keith


First published 29 Jan 2022



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