Government 'up in arms' over 'other people in authority knowingly breaking the law'

The government has today expressed serious concerns about P&O boss Peter Hebblethwaite 'knowingly breaking the law.

'People in authority shouldn't assume the laws of the land don't apply to them if they are inconvenient,' said a government spokesperson. 'They have to understand, we're all in this together. Laws are made so that they all apply to to everyone, regardless of their status, wealth or standing in the community.'

The spokesperson agreed that someone knowing breaking the laws should resign 'immediately'. When asked if that statement applied to government ministers, special advisors and senior Civil Servants the spokesperson appeared to have a coughing fit and hasn't been seen since. We'll bring you the rest of this news story as soon as Hell freezes over, or Sue Gray's report gets published, whichever is the soonest.

Image: Pixabay/PublicDomainPictures

Imposter PM phoned by Ukrainian

An investigation has been launched into how someone like Boris Johnson could get anywhere near being prime-minister after a Ukrainian was put through to Mr Johnson after calling 10 Downing Street and asking to speak to the PM.

"I have to admit I just panicked", explained the number 10 telephone operator in question, "The gentleman called and asked to speak to the person in charge of the country.

'I'd been given instructions not to let anyone speak to Mr Johnson unless they were offering a photo opportunity in a hospital or a lot of money, but somehow I forgot that and now the Ukraine government know the truth."

Image: Pixabay/PublicDomainPictures

Engineers remove massive 'partyberg' from Downing Street sewer

Water company engineers have successfully unblocked the drains in Downing Street today. After reports of problems, the water company expected to find the sewer blocked with a fatberg but Instead, they found that the blockage was caused by what they have described as the biggest ‘partyberg’ they have ever come across.

A spokesman said that a large blockage had been removed from the sewers near Downing Street. The blockage consisted of a large quantity of used paper plates, cake wrappers, streamers, bunting, crisp packets, discarded underwear, dog hair, maltesers (probably), shepherds pie, plastic novelty policemen’s helmets, House of Commons order papers and direct debit forms for Tory party donations. The toxic mix caused sewers to back up in Downing Street, where the stink appears to have gone unnoticed.

Residents and businesses in the area have received leaflets about what can and cannot be disposed of safely by flushing it away. A spokesman for Number 10 refused to comment on the reports and said that the water company was speaking out of its bottom.

Image: Pixabay/ktphotography