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'To the pure, everything is pure,' say Labour's seraphim


'We really resent these allegations that we're no better than the Tories,' said a Downing Street spokes-angel, addressing reporters with a look of wounded innocence on its wondrous face.


'Conservative Prime Ministers took freebies from millionaire donors because they were disgustingly venal and degenerate' the minister of God continued. 'The current PM, on the other hand, took freebies from a millionaire donor because he is so utterly childlike and naive in the ways of the world.


'It would never occur to someone as good as Keir 'Woolly Lambkins' Starmer that anything he did might possibly be bad.


'To the pure, everything is pure.


'The same goes for our saintly chancellor cancelling winter fuel allowances for most of Britain's elderly so she could save a few bob for the Treasury.


'She's so sweet-natured that she'd never have done anything this mean, had it not been for the wicked bastard putrid Tory scum forcing her into it.'


After this, Downing Street press officers ushered reporters into the back garden of Number Ten to see all the cherubim and seraphim in the Labour cabinet cast down their golden crowns and sing 'Holy! Holy! Holy!' in praise of themselves.


Picture credit: Wix AI


Larry the Cat Said to Oppose New Downing Street Kitten



Reports that Prime Minister Keir Starmer is bringing a new kitten into 10 Downing Street are not sitting well with lifelong resident Larry the Cat. A cat close to Larry, who requested anonymity to discuss the sensitive matter, said Larry fears that ‘there are simply not enough mice to go around for two cats in No 10.’ The source said that ‘Larry is disappointed that Sir Keir did not even bother to consult him before deciding to bring in the kitten.’


Sources with the Prime Minister’s office dispute this assertion, stating that the kitten’s acquisition ‘followed all applicable feline procurement recommendations contained in the Garfield report.’ That report was issued in the wake of former Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s ill-starred attempts to hire the irascible animated orange cat as a government press representative.


Nevertheless, according to the cat who requested anonymity, ‘Larry really misses Boris; he left empty pizza boxes strewn all over the place, which drew lots of tasty vermin.’ The source hastened to add that Larry was referring to mice and rats, not Dominic Cummings.


Controversially, according to the source, Larry’s hostility to kittens appears to range beyond simple competition for food. ‘Larry believes that kittens are little criminals who will chew up anything not covered in plastic,’ the source said. A representative of the British Kitten Society rejected this claim, characterizing Larry as ‘nothing more than an old cat meowing at clouds.’


Starmer’s new kitten did not return calls and texts seeking comment.




Larry the cat to get Long Service award

Later this month, a low-key presentation will be made at Downing Street, honouring one of our longest serving government officials - by his years : Larry the cat. Larry has been 'on duty' since 2012, without a break, and has "seen off" five Prime Ministers during that time, with options on a sixth.


Over the years, differing sources have commended him on his diligence and condemned him as an 'lazy effing freeloader', but he has consistently out-performed all comers in terms of popularity with the public. Recently released cabinet papers also reveal that, on occasions, the sole hand on the tiller of government was in fact a small, furry paw.


However, Larry's time at Downing Street has not been without controversy, with other documents highlighting his involvement in Boris Johnson's fall from grace. "Absolute muppet - Bringing a dog onto my manor and getting all antsy just because I scratched his precious wallpaper. Had to go."


Larry is also believed to have been the inside informer during Partygate, ("Never in any of the pictures : funny, that") but has been reticent to be labelled a grass. "Grass has a very different meaning and use in the feline community: I might appear cute and furry, but I'll cut you up proper if you ever call me that again"


With regards the other incumbents, Larry has been very vocal in his opinions. "Theresa May ? Awful dancer but that never stopped her. Dab hand with the Dreamies though - bless her - not like that scrote Cameron". "Truss ? Barely had time to demonstrate my utter contempt for her". "Rishi standing in the rain looking a prat : who do you think pissed on all the umbrellas ? You're welcome !"


And what did eventually happen to Dilyn, with his meteoric rise and fall? "I couldn't possibly say" continues Larry, all innocence personified, "it's not as if I might know where the bodies are buried" And as for the future ? Larry has always maintained he is above party politics, although he does hold a fondness for the absolutism of the feline demigods of Ancient Egypt.


"You could do a lot worse. You know that. You did. On multiple occasions".




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