Tories annual piss-up in brewery cancelled after Boris forgot to send out the invitations

'You couldn't bloody make it up, could you?' shouted Sir Dudley Farquhar the long-standing member for Dungeness West since 1867.

'It was all jolly straightforward. We had the brewery booked, which, by the way, was a dashed decent venue. The white burgundy order was delivered on time and dear Priti laid on a troupe of recently evacuated Afghan dancing women. We had Michelin star catering, with canapés and rare Ormskirk truffles.

'Then, of course, Captain Chaos gets involved, and everything goes to hell in a hand cart. The silly arse forgot to send out the invitations. For any self-respecting Tory, missing out on a piss-up is a crime against humanity. To my mind, he's too easily distracted by the interfering covid boffin Johnnies. He needs to get his priorities right. I've already sent my letter of no confidence in the bungling idiot to the higher echelons of the influential 1622 committee.

'Frankly, I can't remember such a useless politician since a chap called Boris Johnson wished the Taliban a merry Christmas when he was Foreign Secretary.'

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WHO tells women to stop drinking, particularly Sandra from Gateshead

Sandra Dodd (19) has been identified by the World Health Organisation, as the leading cause of alcohol consumption for women of child-bearing age and the one most likely to get a tattoo of a rabbit on her lady parts. It transpires that their ‘Global Alcohol Action Plan’ is just a map of Gateshead, with a big circle drawn around Sandra’s local Wetherspoon.

A WHO spokeswoman explained that the intention was not to undermine women’s rights, just Sandra’s: ‘The alcohol consumed by young women is extremely high, it’s close to 20 units a week. But if you take Sandra out of the global sample, the average drops down to 1 unit and half a dozen cheeky mocktails. Likewise, 18% of all Tyne and Wear kebabs, are eaten by Sandra over just one weekend.’

Asked why men were not being asked to make the same change to their lifestyle, the WHO said: ‘We were worried about female fertility, by contrast we can all agree that most men shouldn't breed’.

Meanwhile, Sandra resolved not to give in: ‘I’m just like Emily Pankhurst, I’m fighting the patriarchy. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to wee behind this bin, before I dance topless down the street, with a traffic cone on my head, singing ‘Ni**as in Paris’.

image from pixabay

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