The government has just announced that the theory test will soon include questions about CPR. This is because motorists are 'often first on the scene' where CPR is needed.
Following similar logic, the government is planning to use the test questions to further its agenda in other areas too.
A spokesman said, 'Drivers may not be getting enough exercise, so it's reasonable to add questions about the effects of too much sitting down and not enough active travel. If they didn't get properly brainwashed about this at school, then the theory test gives us a second go.
'Drivers in France may be approached by people trying to get into Britain illegally, so that's another area that we can cover.
'And motorists need to understand that their car tax and fuel duty and road tolls are needed to pay the interest on government debt. It's not there to pay for roads or anything like that. And the national curriculum doesn't even start on tax. So we need to cover that too.
'In future the test may also feature questions about the law on freedom of speech, how to give money to political parties legally, and the offside rule.'
Photo by Bas Peperzak on Unsplash
The Government’s Head of Motorway Safety, Wile E. Coyote, has announced further safety measures for smart motorways.
‘Removing the hard shoulder has been helpful but some are still getting through,’ he told journalists. ‘So the next step will be a series of grand pianos suspended precariously over the fast lane. We have done extensive testing – mostly in canyons in Arizona – and grand pianos are almost ideal for the job’.
Other planned safety features have been tested but found to be inappropriate for the British climate. ‘In the Sonoran desert you can use quite a long fuse on a stick of dynamite but British rain means you would need a dangerously short fuse, so we rejected that,’ said Mr Coyote.
‘Trompe L’oeil paintings to conceal cliff edges work well in Arizona but Britain lacks the necessary topography. Still, removing the hard shoulder has proved to be fairly f*cking lethal – sorry, I meant safety-enhancing – so we’re making good progress.’
Photo by Chris Bair on Unsplash
First published 2 July 2024
If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?
 |  |  |  |