Driving theory test to include questions on migrants, diet and tax

The government has just announced that the theory test will soon include questions about CPR. This is because motorists are 'often first on the scene' where CPR is needed.

Following similar logic, the government is planning to use the test questions to further its agenda in other areas too.

A spokesman said, 'Drivers may not be getting enough exercise, so it's reasonable to add questions about the effects of too much sitting down and not enough active travel. If they didn't get properly brainwashed about this at school, then the theory test gives us a second go.

'Drivers in France may be approached by people trying to get into Britain illegally, so that's another area that we can cover.

'And motorists need to understand that their car tax and fuel duty and road tolls are needed to pay the interest on government debt. It's not there to pay for roads or anything like that. And the national curriculum doesn't even start on tax. So we need to cover that too.

'In future the test may also feature questions about the law on freedom of speech, how to give money to political parties legally, and the offside rule.'

Photo by Bas Peperzak on Unsplash

Smart motorways to be ‘enhanced’ with grand pianos suspended over the fast lane

The Government’s Head of Motorway Safety, Wile E. Coyote, has announced further safety measures for smart motorways.

‘Removing the hard shoulder has been helpful but some are still getting through,’ he told journalists. ‘So the next step will be a series of grand pianos suspended precariously over the fast lane. We have done extensive testing – mostly in canyons in Arizona – and grand pianos are almost ideal for the job’.

Other planned safety features have been tested but found to be inappropriate for the British climate. ‘In the Sonoran desert you can use quite a long fuse on a stick of dynamite but British rain means you would need a dangerously short fuse, so we rejected that,’ said Mr Coyote.

‘Trompe L’oeil paintings to conceal cliff edges work well in Arizona but Britain lacks the necessary topography. Still, removing the hard shoulder has proved to be fairly f*cking lethal – sorry, I meant safety-enhancing – so we’re making good progress.’

Photo by Chris Bair on Unsplash

First published 2 July 2024

www.newsbiscuit.com

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Christian car insurance company excommunicates forgiveness clause

An insurance company for Christian drivers is no longer forgiving the sins of third parties due to incurring substantial losses.

Motor insurers ‘Faith Wheelers’ have notified future policy enquirers that their popular ‘forgiveness’ clause for third party accident involvement will no longer be in force.

The company attribute this change in policy as ‘similar to Paul’s transformation on the road to Damascus. Only St. Paul wasn’t rear-ended by a sinful Audi, losing millions paying for repairs’.

Broker Jacob Appletree, explained: “For thousands of years Faith Wheelers have offered believers motor insurance policies that act as the fiscal embodiment of Christ, in that we forgive sinners for their acts of idiotic driving, insofar as covering their repair costs.

“We have however been made aware of drivers with less than perfect vehicles taking advantage of our blessed nature and deliberately ramming into our flock for financial gain. That’s not how Christ works.

“The board of disciples and sharebelievers have reasoned that there once was a time and a place for loving your fellow driver as you would yourself, but it’s not f**king now. The third quarter outlook looks terrible and drastic measures have to be taken.

“Forgiveness is therefore suspended until motorkind starts respecting each other and the share price drives a holy dividend. So although we no longer forgive those that trespass against us, we hope and pray that God and His Underwriters will forgive us. Amen-d.”

image from pixabay